Forgetting this For Now

You’ve been here with me, thick and thin

One person, one love, is all I ever want

Up till the point of death, and beyond

Right here is where I belong

Gone too soon

One whole year

I didn’t want to believe

Now though, it’s clear

Gone too soon

To much love to merely fester

One whole life time, still too short

Let me be upset, hurt, and angry

Even when I try to ignore myself

All I want is you forever

Very important though, to keep my strength

Enough to miss you, as I sit in wait

Without His Hands

It feels weird. Ya know?
In a way that crawls into 
Your skin way down deep.
You knew before you walked in
About the change,
But you didn't predict it;
The new sense of stickiness
Like the weight of an elephant
Pressing in on this old
Hand-nailed roof.
He is missing, you knew
He was missing.
And you are glad;
It isn't as if his presence
Does not still linger-
Forever it will.
And it is better now,
For him at least, you know it is!
But still he is missing.
Not that one would want
Those now mannequin hands
To sit at this table, holding
A glass of decaf.
But now, this.
It just is not the same.
Something just 
Isn't right about this old house...
Without his hands.

Thoughts In Passing

Every time I got close to the casket
All I could manage to think
Was how those were mannequin hands,
Not his hands

And every time any one of you looked at me
And said how nice it was to see a better picture of him
Than those last few months; what a great job they did!
I looked around and saw him everywhere

For a Trans* Remembrance Month Video

The Reasons Why

There are so many reasons why

Too many reasons why

To put into words

But constantly you are asking me

Why

I can give you a list

I could go on for hours

Not sure it would be enough

To truly explain

Why

But what I do know

Is that when you smile

When you laugh

Even when you cry

I find the reasons

Why

The truth you see

Is quite simple

It is you, all of you

The good, the bad

All the reasons why

I love you

I Remember

The soft voice of a little child

Speaking beyond their years

Sharing worlds of wisdom

Knowing more than most ever do

That's what I remember

The heartfelt giggle of one in pain

Such an innocent humor

With a hint of morbidity

From a life too short

That's what I remember

The presence of deep care

For anyone and anything

Always paying it forward

With faith, facing it all

That's what I remember

I remember  

Traitor in the Mix

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The loss of their love

Creeping around corners

Doing unspeakable things

When no one can see

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The loss of their trust

Working hard to deceive

Leaving things unspoken

To questions unasked

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The gain of their disappointment

Leaving all to deception

Hoping nobody will see

The truth beneath

There is a traitor in the mix

And the traitor is me

Trials and Tribulations

Trials and tribulations

You say you will

You say you won't

You say you do

You shout you don't

Your prospective

My prospective

The outside world's prospective

Like global warming

On you and I

Me and you

Trials and tribulations

The memories that burn

The memories that fuel

With pain and anger

With love and faith

What we hold dear

What we breath in

What we try to forget

What we wish to leave

Like rainbows and Butterflies

Or fire and brimstone

Trials and tribulations

For the Fear of May

I am scared
Scared of us
Afraid of May
Of where this is going
Of how it might end

You are the one person
The one I feel I should not bother
And the only one I wish to tell
To share with you
To lean on you

I have tried
Once or twice
A mention here
A mention there
Remember-

You can not handle
To think of it
Means thinking of so much
This is not the first
That you could not

You have this ability
One of which I am jealous
To block things out
Emotions of too much power
Keeping yourself safe

I know that to think of the one
Leads to thinking of all
The confusion and conflict
Possible pain and fears
I do understand

Sometimes I just lose
Lose myself to my emotion
It overwhelms
I try to hold it back
I feel I mostly do well

I have not your ability

I am sorry

My Hands, Your Back

No
It's my hands
They are, my hands
Bleeding
They are covered
Soaked in blood
These are?
My hands
Where though
Is the source
I don't  see it
The source-

Sharp Pains
You say
In your back?

The source?

Your blood...

................My hands-

Franklin; I Used to Like You

I despise the look on your faces
Staring up at me as if you still care
You're dead; you don't give a damn
Now, decades later all you are
Is over-priced green paper
I can tear you
Rip you to shreds
Burn you
And even if illegal
Toss you in a pile of trash

None the less I need you
I feed off of you
I work for you
I barely live because of you
Life is a bitter sweet symphony
All played for you

Well here I am
Another worthless
Poor American
Barely able to make dues
The half truths of others
Furthering the dent
The depth of the fear
And hole of disparity
Wondering what will come next
If we can survive

Now as I cry on your shoulders
Looking down
At the last remaining
Arrogant faces
I can only wish for more
As my hate eagerly grows

Good Night

It's late, this I know
But all of it is too- there
I realize that I am looking over
Skipping past the thoughts
Floating around my brain
But when I check the time
Realize sleep should be here
I immediately think of tomorrow
The things I can't avoid
The changes, the moving
Work, and other chores

I ponder on having to deal
Accept and move on
From the pain inside
The words that pushed me over
Added to stress and fear
Sent me to the other room
Away from my responsibilities
So that a moment could be spent
Shedding a tear in peace
A deep breath
And back at it

To face these things
I will need some rest
A codex to frame a steady mind
And so sleep will come
Comfort of covers will be sought
And the warmth of a pillow
Will rest upon my ear
I merely need to find a way
A path to drain the energy
Urging me to zone out
And say good night

Happy Birthday, Middle Sis

Never really knew you
Wonder who you would have been
Wondering who you are
One of my biggest inspirations
And so few people see
Only eight years on this Earth
Only four of them with me
But oh so much, those years have shaped
Who I am and who I will be
With your legacy, memories held in hearts
You have taught me so very much
About life, love, and truly giving
I feel you watch over us
And with the help of your presence
I find the strength to live

Stones

I feel like puking on the screen
Hitting the keys in front of me
Until my fingers will move no longer
Throwing down words like stones
Until they make no sense
Running letters back to back
Pouring out any and all emotion
Willing and capable of bubbling to the surface

Let not any be choked back
And stifle none that scream
Breath within the beat
And speak in ALL CAPS
Find a tiny font for whispering
And move along the wind
Use onomatopoeia at random
And annoy thy eyes

I know not what to say
I sense not how to move
But forward I will travel
Trying to put it all down
Light bricks on my own color road
Before any small explosion booms
For the weight is thick and snug
More so than my occupied heart wishes

Let me break free, oh mind
Let the night end
May sleep remove all that is selfish
From inside this olive skin
My word bank is still full
And my fingers still move
But these stones now make little sense
And the road lies in rubble

My Dreams of You

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion

I wonder if as I think
Having another beat on me
Would be more gratifying
Than beating myself

But I can always find reason to continue
With the screaming and the cussing
The kicking and the punching
Though from myself I feel not much

Each insult I’ve already heard from these lips
And each name has echoed through
Each blow hurts less and less
Almost as if I search for the one that does

Oh, all the things that use of energy
Prevents these hands from doing
And phenomenally it keeps these lips
From even more spewings of tourettes

It’s as if there is a big ball of rage inside
Waiting for any decent moment to escape
It has waited for many of years
And never received a fulfilling attempt

With its own story it sits and grows
Remembering it acknowledgments clearly
For you with the chin dimple
And the full ability to never care

For you with your protective presence
And no offer of protection from your own damage
For you with the self imagined height of an angel
And the treasured ignorance of a baboon

And For you with a heart bigger than any black whole
And a silver tongue stronger than any god’s
Your ability to try until your emotions will no longer bend
Yet your way of making everyone else oh so small

I wonder if I could blame all of you
For the way I torture the one I love most
How I pull hate from those dark brown eyes
Turning yellow and orange into a deep, putrid black

But someone great in the right mindset would remind me
That only one’s self can be blamed for what they do
I hear the above statement to ring quite true
And it breaks my heart knowing I do

As I am the hardest for myself to forgive
I turn the other cheek when taking a blow to the heart
And I might walk a different bath after a stab in the back
But forgiveness does remain for all without this face

I lead to an unhealthy you
Plain and simple, no easier way to see it
I am far from anything useful to you
And there is no one you need but you

Now what is there for us to do
After one Amygdala hijack too many
With no medicine to sooth
And all the smiles have been smashed away

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion

Paper Airplane; Why Don't You Stay?

There's a paper airplane
Sailing across the land
Carrying all the pieces
Never to be whole again
And this Bubble-Bath will never sooth

Oh to be on that plane now
Getting away from this some how
Its pilot I will become
Flying straight toward your arms
Into your heart once more

I write to you
The ink moves
It doesn't satisfy

This incorrigible flame rises
Threatening to swallow me whole
I stepped into the fire
Look at me now
Singing to myself
Like these words really matter

Sit and watch the airplane
Catch a glimpse of streusel as it turns
And there she goes

If I ever see her again
Maybe I'll find the words to say
Actions always mattered more anyway
Find out how to let her go
Or the guts to ask her to stay

(Probably be happier anyway)

There's a paper airplane
Sailing across the land
Carrying all the pieces
Never to be whole again
And this Bubble-Bath will never
Never sooth

Oh Well, Right?

I told you this was how it was going to be
You convinced me otherwise
I knew I would be alone, sad, and hurt
While you played, laughed, and forgot
Anger when it's my turn to go
And my distraction ruins everything
But hypocrisy when it's yours
And I'm the annoying bad guy
Why do you even bother before you leave
Saying that you'll miss me
That I will hear from you often
Liar
But I guess it doesn't matter
Hence why I am merely writing to myself
And don't be mad if one day you read this
Because when you ignore me so
Don't even give me the only thing I want
Which is to know that you are okay
On the road or not
It really feels like it doesn't even matter

It'll Be the Last (may need edit)

One of these days
When she stops talking
It'll be the last I hear of her voice
One of these days
When she takes to walking away
It'll be the last I see her beautiful face
I don't know why or how
She puts up with me
The way that I am
Alway causing that blood to boil
And those feet to move like they do

She tells me she loves me
But I don't know how she can
I never feel I do enough to warrent
All the waves she rides with me
She tells me she loves me
But I don't know know why her heart bothers
With every little thing I put it through
I know that I truly do love her
More than I'll ever know how to show
And I never have quite gotten close
To even showing enough of what I should

Why is it you always do the walking away
And I'm always stuck doing the chasing
I know one of these days will be the last
And I will never see it coming

(And all the blame will be on me;
'Cause I'll be the one left wondering-)

Phones Away: Can You Hear Me Now?

Phones away
Can you hear me now?
Together let us take just a second to ponder-
What will the next generations see upon exiting the womb?
The doctor’s instructions listed on the BlackBerry in Mommy’s hands
As a baby’s Twitpic is more important than any introduction to its family
Each child to be babysat by the computer monitor by the age of three
And no single iPhone game, raising a garden, moves quickly enough
To sooth the impatient itch caused by a 45 second lack of distraction
Forget fear of swirlies at school; too busy bullying by way of statuses
“No phones in class, Dear; now read my fancy power point slide”
So, where is the need for group dialogue and exchanged,
When there is access to absent minded discussion boards online?
Life to be stored on various devices; mandated by events listed on Facebook
You can share with the world each subchapter in your agenda book
One hundred forty characters or less- don’t you dare forget
Control the “about me” that others see; my teacher taught me about imagery
Have every acquaintance for your friend and know everything that they do
As long as they remember to continually check in daily on FourSquare
Complement each other on photography skills by way of mobile uploads
Our conversations dwindled down to the briefest of shorthand
Coming so accustomed to replying only as you wish
(No one can truly know how busy you are when they’re not with you)
That in face to face conversation you forget how to participate
No need for quality time when there are so many waiting for your next text
Dropped communication classes will make a switch to keypad lessons
Learn it all in five minutes tops or lag back on a buffering screen
Tab over to something newer; got to keep up with the latest tech
Click here, pound sign there, now a member of the most recent trends
Sunshine, what is that?
Oh you mean that thing that powers the neighbor’s weird looking car
Baseball, the Great American Pastime, relocated to the couch we keep in the basement
No possibility of a twisted ankle, too busy with exercises for RSI
Thumb and Repetitive Stress Injuries could slow down the new 6g
Word Review, can you spell check this so far?
Here we are in the midst of technology getting smarter than we bother to be
Phones away
Can you hear me now?

An Answered Call

Did the weather answer my call?
Yesterday I saw yellow, orange, and blue.
Brought on in part by the day's hue.
Laughing, hand holding, smiles gallore.
Happiness and memmories of before.
I love days like those, Heaven, I want more.
BringIng the light back into that face I adore.
Sun on our backs and a breeze in our hair.
These days I feel that we make a good pair.
I love you, I do. Not just when the wind rings.
But also when shown what cold and snow bring.
I love you through and through,
Because still there, is always you.