Dandelion Itch

I can see an approaching future
Dreaming at the tips of my toes
Small little buds resting on stems
Waiting to bloom
To grow and feed from the sun
To wilt with time and patience
Moving on, producing new life
Making sport of play
For a simple breath

I wish for this outcome
Drawn out over a lifespan
A prayer that rumbles real low
An itch under my skin
Sinking deep beneath my pores
"Let it BE!" my bones scream
From my heart, I dream too
To see those blooms realized
Rather than trampled by elongation

Off-ff-ff-zz-z

Move your butt, I say
Com'on now
Move it, for you can not stay

Unfold your feet
Pull yourself forward
And simply go

Turn off the TV and lights
Call for the pups
And be on your way

Close the door
Ditch the bra
Set the usual 2-5 alarms

Get over the thoughts
Feelings and motions
Just put them all away

Put a pillow to your ear
Squirm your feet under cover
And settle in

Close your eyes
Think of only blank space
And drift away

Now-
Move your butt, I say
For you can not stay

Pretending Peace

I am on a different planet
I have been staying there most the day
Rather, I can't seem to locate the way to return
Focusing on reality
It's a chore
The kind one ignores until it smacks them in the face
So much I should/need to be doing
So little time left for the work
But yet here I sit
The computer set to the social
And episode after episode running on the TV
This abandonment of my current life
It disappoints me
Likely will disappoint another
This different planet excludes you
I need that now
Reality revolves around you
And I am in need of escape
From the current issues at hand
I may not be able to locate the way to return
But really I do not want to

Truth

I want to discuss this
But not to share with anyone
I am unsure how to proceed

You notice, but do not know
I am keeping things quiet
Until I know- things need to be clearer

How I feel
I don't think it has changed
But what I see of how you do-

My world has been shaken
For the aftershock, I lie anxiously in waiting
What will come to pass

Over the days
weeks
months

Will the ground become steady
Complete beneath my feet
Or will all I knew inside

Crumble in pieces, away
Left to be void of the life I've cherished
Of the love I've held so dear

I'd give anything to see the answer
A magic eight ball, triangle flat
With a truth to hold me

Or better yet to move on
Forget the fear of possible truth
And let it be your arms that abide

This aching in my heart
The incorrigible twisting of my gut
Mourning river in my soul

Carrying me through to summer light
Happier days ahead
I wish for them now

For love to be the soft breeze
And the blooming dandelions
Keeping company at our sides

But to carry me
I know of you to refuse
For 'happiness is of thy own making'

And what exactly would to say, my dear
If the happiness of my making included
You

A ring on your hand
A knowledge in their minds
And a house smelling of -- us

This is the future I crave
The one I have been leaning into
Though, my vision alone

I see that now
Even without your confirmation
For me you do not truly ache

Maybe one day in time
Your love for me will grow
But for now it is only -love

As it is you do not yearn
Your happiness is all on you
And inner knowledge is slow in following

I truly do wish and pray
The day you discover self honesty
You also find the strength to share

Truth

Marry Me Anyway

(Written out of anger, and out of pain.)

Damn you. Damn you, damn you, damn you.

I love you more than you know.

I want so badly for the separation to make our love stronger,

for you to overcome your fear and be open.

So that when four years comes, I can look at you and say

“We've made it this far, I think it's really serious now; 

-tell me someday you'll marry me-”

But every now and then, I see how little you notice or seem to care when you do, 

about how much effort I put into 'us.'

Even when you get so angry feeling as if you are the only one that does.

And then I remember how often you disrespect me and what we have,

speaking of how bad things are, and how much you don't know why you are with me.

As if there are never perfect moments, when we are complete-

happily wrapped in each other's arms.

And as I try to rid all my anger, yelling into the silence around me,

as to not hold it in and let loose on you...

The wost knowledge washes over me-

the one and only reason you have ever mentioned wanting to remain anywhere near me-

was not me...

It was for a new found friendship; not the love we supposedly

share.

Oh, like heaven and hell mixed here on Earth,

I would follow you most anywhere, and hold a spot for you when you are away.

But if you do not begin to show me that you actually care,

beyond what you call “apologizing and fixing things,”

acting pitiful to the point of pain over the smallest things,

I might one day have the hurt enough to tell you-

“Go ahead, go home, leave. And do not call on me again,

until you are sure you actually have love in your heart,

and not just comfort in your limbs.

We both deserve more.”

Forgetting this For Now

You’ve been here with me, thick and thin

One person, one love, is all I ever want

Up till the point of death, and beyond

Right here is where I belong

Gone too soon

One whole year

I didn’t want to believe

Now though, it’s clear

Gone too soon

To much love to merely fester

One whole life time, still too short

Let me be upset, hurt, and angry

Even when I try to ignore myself

All I want is you forever

Very important though, to keep my strength

Enough to miss you, as I sit in wait

Without His Hands

It feels weird. Ya know?
In a way that crawls into 
Your skin way down deep.
You knew before you walked in
About the change,
But you didn't predict it;
The new sense of stickiness
Like the weight of an elephant
Pressing in on this old
Hand-nailed roof.
He is missing, you knew
He was missing.
And you are glad;
It isn't as if his presence
Does not still linger-
Forever it will.
And it is better now,
For him at least, you know it is!
But still he is missing.
Not that one would want
Those now mannequin hands
To sit at this table, holding
A glass of decaf.
But now, this.
It just is not the same.
Something just 
Isn't right about this old house...
Without his hands.

Thoughts In Passing

Every time I got close to the casket
All I could manage to think
Was how those were mannequin hands,
Not his hands

And every time any one of you looked at me
And said how nice it was to see a better picture of him
Than those last few months; what a great job they did!
I looked around and saw him everywhere

For a Trans* Remembrance Month Video

The Reasons Why

There are so many reasons why

Too many reasons why

To put into words

But constantly you are asking me

Why

I can give you a list

I could go on for hours

Not sure it would be enough

To truly explain

Why

But what I do know

Is that when you smile

When you laugh

Even when you cry

I find the reasons

Why

The truth you see

Is quite simple

It is you, all of you

The good, the bad

All the reasons why

I love you

I Remember

The soft voice of a little child

Speaking beyond their years

Sharing worlds of wisdom

Knowing more than most ever do

That's what I remember

The heartfelt giggle of one in pain

Such an innocent humor

With a hint of morbidity

From a life too short

That's what I remember

The presence of deep care

For anyone and anything

Always paying it forward

With faith, facing it all

That's what I remember

I remember  

Traitor in the Mix

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The loss of their love

Creeping around corners

Doing unspeakable things

When no one can see

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The loss of their trust

Working hard to deceive

Leaving things unspoken

To questions unasked

There is a traitor in the mix

And your love is far from worth

The gain of their disappointment

Leaving all to deception

Hoping nobody will see

The truth beneath

There is a traitor in the mix

And the traitor is me

Trials and Tribulations

Trials and tribulations

You say you will

You say you won't

You say you do

You shout you don't

Your prospective

My prospective

The outside world's prospective

Like global warming

On you and I

Me and you

Trials and tribulations

The memories that burn

The memories that fuel

With pain and anger

With love and faith

What we hold dear

What we breath in

What we try to forget

What we wish to leave

Like rainbows and Butterflies

Or fire and brimstone

Trials and tribulations

For the Fear of May

I am scared
Scared of us
Afraid of May
Of where this is going
Of how it might end

You are the one person
The one I feel I should not bother
And the only one I wish to tell
To share with you
To lean on you

I have tried
Once or twice
A mention here
A mention there
Remember-

You can not handle
To think of it
Means thinking of so much
This is not the first
That you could not

You have this ability
One of which I am jealous
To block things out
Emotions of too much power
Keeping yourself safe

I know that to think of the one
Leads to thinking of all
The confusion and conflict
Possible pain and fears
I do understand

Sometimes I just lose
Lose myself to my emotion
It overwhelms
I try to hold it back
I feel I mostly do well

I have not your ability

I am sorry

My Hands, Your Back

No
It's my hands
They are, my hands
Bleeding
They are covered
Soaked in blood
These are?
My hands
Where though
Is the source
I don't  see it
The source-

Sharp Pains
You say
In your back?

The source?

Your blood...

................My hands-

Franklin; I Used to Like You

I despise the look on your faces
Staring up at me as if you still care
You're dead; you don't give a damn
Now, decades later all you are
Is over-priced green paper
I can tear you
Rip you to shreds
Burn you
And even if illegal
Toss you in a pile of trash

None the less I need you
I feed off of you
I work for you
I barely live because of you
Life is a bitter sweet symphony
All played for you

Well here I am
Another worthless
Poor American
Barely able to make dues
The half truths of others
Furthering the dent
The depth of the fear
And hole of disparity
Wondering what will come next
If we can survive

Now as I cry on your shoulders
Looking down
At the last remaining
Arrogant faces
I can only wish for more
As my hate eagerly grows

Good Night

It's late, this I know
But all of it is too- there
I realize that I am looking over
Skipping past the thoughts
Floating around my brain
But when I check the time
Realize sleep should be here
I immediately think of tomorrow
The things I can't avoid
The changes, the moving
Work, and other chores

I ponder on having to deal
Accept and move on
From the pain inside
The words that pushed me over
Added to stress and fear
Sent me to the other room
Away from my responsibilities
So that a moment could be spent
Shedding a tear in peace
A deep breath
And back at it

To face these things
I will need some rest
A codex to frame a steady mind
And so sleep will come
Comfort of covers will be sought
And the warmth of a pillow
Will rest upon my ear
I merely need to find a way
A path to drain the energy
Urging me to zone out
And say good night

Happy Birthday, Middle Sis

Never really knew you
Wonder who you would have been
Wondering who you are
One of my biggest inspirations
And so few people see
Only eight years on this Earth
Only four of them with me
But oh so much, those years have shaped
Who I am and who I will be
With your legacy, memories held in hearts
You have taught me so very much
About life, love, and truly giving
I feel you watch over us
And with the help of your presence
I find the strength to live

Stones

I feel like puking on the screen
Hitting the keys in front of me
Until my fingers will move no longer
Throwing down words like stones
Until they make no sense
Running letters back to back
Pouring out any and all emotion
Willing and capable of bubbling to the surface

Let not any be choked back
And stifle none that scream
Breath within the beat
And speak in ALL CAPS
Find a tiny font for whispering
And move along the wind
Use onomatopoeia at random
And annoy thy eyes

I know not what to say
I sense not how to move
But forward I will travel
Trying to put it all down
Light bricks on my own color road
Before any small explosion booms
For the weight is thick and snug
More so than my occupied heart wishes

Let me break free, oh mind
Let the night end
May sleep remove all that is selfish
From inside this olive skin
My word bank is still full
And my fingers still move
But these stones now make little sense
And the road lies in rubble

My Dreams of You

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion

I wonder if as I think
Having another beat on me
Would be more gratifying
Than beating myself

But I can always find reason to continue
With the screaming and the cussing
The kicking and the punching
Though from myself I feel not much

Each insult I’ve already heard from these lips
And each name has echoed through
Each blow hurts less and less
Almost as if I search for the one that does

Oh, all the things that use of energy
Prevents these hands from doing
And phenomenally it keeps these lips
From even more spewings of tourettes

It’s as if there is a big ball of rage inside
Waiting for any decent moment to escape
It has waited for many of years
And never received a fulfilling attempt

With its own story it sits and grows
Remembering it acknowledgments clearly
For you with the chin dimple
And the full ability to never care

For you with your protective presence
And no offer of protection from your own damage
For you with the self imagined height of an angel
And the treasured ignorance of a baboon

And For you with a heart bigger than any black whole
And a silver tongue stronger than any god’s
Your ability to try until your emotions will no longer bend
Yet your way of making everyone else oh so small

I wonder if I could blame all of you
For the way I torture the one I love most
How I pull hate from those dark brown eyes
Turning yellow and orange into a deep, putrid black

But someone great in the right mindset would remind me
That only one’s self can be blamed for what they do
I hear the above statement to ring quite true
And it breaks my heart knowing I do

As I am the hardest for myself to forgive
I turn the other cheek when taking a blow to the heart
And I might walk a different bath after a stab in the back
But forgiveness does remain for all without this face

I lead to an unhealthy you
Plain and simple, no easier way to see it
I am far from anything useful to you
And there is no one you need but you

Now what is there for us to do
After one Amygdala hijack too many
With no medicine to sooth
And all the smiles have been smashed away

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion