Turn the Page Damn It

Each chapter a different name
Birth
Youth
Life
Love
Money
Anger
Fear
Sorrow
Joy
Pain
Death
Variations of the same

The real question is
Will we embrace the chapter before us
Or try to skip ahead
Life unlived
Is life unappreciated
Is it a gift or a burden
It is all open for interpretation
Just don't forget to dog ear the best

A page looked back on can change the view
Of the present taste, like
A weeping heap of disaster
Be not broken or undone
Your book will be written
As best as it can
As long as you are willing to see
In between the lines of your own living
Love

Wishing to Be...

I miss it- being high
Off life, lust, and youth
Like when I was 21
And falling in love

Friends would finally hit bed
Right around two
But my sweet and I
Would sneak quietly out
Walking and talking for miles
Finding random places
To perch, laugh, dance,
And make out
Star gazing and being
Generally existential
Tip toing in
With the start of the sun
Only to start anew
Fresh at nine

As if no one knew
High and gleaming
With the confidence of
Life, lust, and youth

I don't

I don't.
I don't.
I know I don't.
It's so much easier if I don't.
That little curiosity.
I do not like it,
No I don't.
Guilt protrudes
And it could ruin.
Need not over think.
For I know I don't.
But I think I could.
That's the thing.
But I know.
I know I don't.

Just Another Day

Rage
Pain
Twist
Inside
Out

Doubt
Full
Turn
Empty
Unknown

Broken
Tear
Drops
Pour
Down

Smile
Laugh
Stress
Hysterics
Lost

That
Is
How
It
Goes

Muy Loco

You tell me I'm crazy
I know that I'm crazy
You may think that I'm crazy
But it's only for you
That I'm cray-zy

I know I can be kooky
And it's true that I'm silly
I know I am sensitive
And often defensive
But when you tell me I'm Loco
It's important that you know
I'm only so loco
When it comes to you

You tell me I'm crazy
I know that I'm crazy
You may think that I'm crazy
But it's only for you
Dear
That I'm so cray-zy

..... don't let go-

The dust is playing
at an attempt to settle again.
Again.
Things almost turned bad
again.
Thin line we stand on;
 absolute hope
that we can keep our balance
until we find a way to step onto the sprawling,
joined path once more.
I don't want to end this journey
when there are so many more sights to see
and so many more curves
that beg to be maneuvered.

Eight Points

If I had a word, to send to you
Can you tell me what it would be
How many points is it worth
On the scrabble board
that is our life

Across the mountains
And over the seas
If my thoughts could travel
To anywhere I pleased
it might just be hello-o

It could be goodnight
How, fun, or serendipity
Just a smile or a wink
An expression in thought-
bubble, like a balloon

But really, in reality
I just want to let you know
I'm thinking of you
My friend over there
where it is, that you are

On the scrabble board
That is our li-ife
How many points do I get
When I simply say,
hello-

De-Pend-Ence-In

Dependent, codependence
Trying to be independent
Attempt for a healthier me
So there can be a better we
But I'm not the only 'me'

Are you trying
I think your trying
Can see you might be trying
But you don't see
Your dependence on the chain

I am trying
Can you see I'm trying
Breath, let things go
No reason to bring shit home
I want us, a healthier us

Dependent, codependence
Trying to be independent
Attempt for a healthier me
Is there a way to make it clear
With supportive still intact

I care, want to care
I give, want to give
To offer my support and love
With no expectation
For so much of the same

I'm not the only 'me'
In this we
Your problems are my problems
But your extra curriculars
Are not my chores

You're trying
I know you're trying
Attempting for a healthier you
So there can be a better we
But I still have to be me

Some of the Kindest Words I've Ever Received

"I wish you deepening roots to draw lengthening strength, nights of soft rain in plenitude, with clouds chased by dawn and nourishing rays all day, for as many days as it takes for you to feel whole, and healed, and created anew.

...

I hug your tree"


- A Friend



Let us now enjoy these words, full of so much:


"How thin in places are the walls of this deep well 
individuality, in which we are imprisoned,
and how easy to forget we can try to break through."


- The Same Friend

The Five Minute Timeout is Done and Gone

Five
Five minutes
I forgot for five minutes
For five minutes
I let it go

Once again though
The wind blows
It rages
The storm it brews
And it is a cold bitch

Do You?

I knew this would hurt.
But somehow I am still surprised.
I want to enjoy our time, I do.
But I also want to hide away;
Avoid all the interaction and pain inside.

My stomach is torn.
And my heart is ripped.
I'm falling to shreds in here.
And I don't know how much longer
I can take this insanity of life.

I want to run to you,
And hold you in my anxious arms.
I want to kiss you.
And never leave your side,
Even though it wouldn't be the same.

I can't help how this all feels.
But you seem to think I should.
I can't help the tearing confusion.
But you don't seem to feel it;
Unable to understand these things.

You want me to be somebody else.
But that isn't how you presented your self.
You get angry that I'm not.
But I can't change who I am,
And I don't think you want me to.

If you want somebody else,
And feel that change is right,
Then I hope you embrace it.
And not fight it for our sake;
You don't even seem to think there is an us.

Temporary I said.
And mean it, I definitely did.
Temporary I hope.
And really wish it true;
It is what I want, do you?

Not even my book can keep it at bay
The tears, the thoughts, the aching

It wasn't so bad until I entered this room
The different, the quiet, the lonely

I think you tried to forget before your sleep
Or else let your sleep help you to forget

More so because of it I am sure
It will hurt unbearably in the morn

To watch you hurt will...
Unbearable only begins to describe

But this is the road we must travel
Push through the pain and grow

It may only be a few days
It may be forever

With any luck, hope, love
We will be the better for it

Don't mistake my words though
Love, already I miss you

Like a musician without sound
I dearly miss you

Only Blood.

I shouldn't even bother
It's just sympathy thru another
Anther who barely seems to care

It must be a family trait
Letting things dissipate
Yet I feel for us, I am not the worst

There it's no friendship
Barely a relationship
It's just blood in our vanes

Blood that links us in only one way
A link that doesn't matter everyday
And it too, well in the future evaporate

Punctuation and Capitalization: a true sign

Do you know how I can tell?

It's quite simple really-
Everything changes.

There is distance in your words,
Pauses instead of phrases,
Less feeling, more statement,
And possibly the most obvious of all...
Punctuation and capitalization.

What once was only
no, its cool
Now becomes the more proper
No really, it's fine.

The only thing truly hard to see-
What the issue actually is.

I can easily assume
The cause came just before.
But that would be--assuming.
And world knows
I could be wrong.

Of course you will not tell.
At least not for now.
For now it is more proper.
And I just hope you know I love you.

Dandelion Itch

I can see an approaching future
Dreaming at the tips of my toes
Small little buds resting on stems
Waiting to bloom
To grow and feed from the sun
To wilt with time and patience
Moving on, producing new life
Making sport of play
For a simple breath

I wish for this outcome
Drawn out over a lifespan
A prayer that rumbles real low
An itch under my skin
Sinking deep beneath my pores
"Let it BE!" my bones scream
From my heart, I dream too
To see those blooms realized
Rather than trampled by elongation

Off-ff-ff-zz-z

Move your butt, I say
Com'on now
Move it, for you can not stay

Unfold your feet
Pull yourself forward
And simply go

Turn off the TV and lights
Call for the pups
And be on your way

Close the door
Ditch the bra
Set the usual 2-5 alarms

Get over the thoughts
Feelings and motions
Just put them all away

Put a pillow to your ear
Squirm your feet under cover
And settle in

Close your eyes
Think of only blank space
And drift away

Now-
Move your butt, I say
For you can not stay

Pretending Peace

I am on a different planet
I have been staying there most the day
Rather, I can't seem to locate the way to return
Focusing on reality
It's a chore
The kind one ignores until it smacks them in the face
So much I should/need to be doing
So little time left for the work
But yet here I sit
The computer set to the social
And episode after episode running on the TV
This abandonment of my current life
It disappoints me
Likely will disappoint another
This different planet excludes you
I need that now
Reality revolves around you
And I am in need of escape
From the current issues at hand
I may not be able to locate the way to return
But really I do not want to

Truth

I want to discuss this
But not to share with anyone
I am unsure how to proceed

You notice, but do not know
I am keeping things quiet
Until I know- things need to be clearer

How I feel
I don't think it has changed
But what I see of how you do-

My world has been shaken
For the aftershock, I lie anxiously in waiting
What will come to pass

Over the days
weeks
months

Will the ground become steady
Complete beneath my feet
Or will all I knew inside

Crumble in pieces, away
Left to be void of the life I've cherished
Of the love I've held so dear

I'd give anything to see the answer
A magic eight ball, triangle flat
With a truth to hold me

Or better yet to move on
Forget the fear of possible truth
And let it be your arms that abide

This aching in my heart
The incorrigible twisting of my gut
Mourning river in my soul

Carrying me through to summer light
Happier days ahead
I wish for them now

For love to be the soft breeze
And the blooming dandelions
Keeping company at our sides

But to carry me
I know of you to refuse
For 'happiness is of thy own making'

And what exactly would to say, my dear
If the happiness of my making included
You

A ring on your hand
A knowledge in their minds
And a house smelling of -- us

This is the future I crave
The one I have been leaning into
Though, my vision alone

I see that now
Even without your confirmation
For me you do not truly ache

Maybe one day in time
Your love for me will grow
But for now it is only -love

As it is you do not yearn
Your happiness is all on you
And inner knowledge is slow in following

I truly do wish and pray
The day you discover self honesty
You also find the strength to share

Truth

Marry Me Anyway

(Written out of anger, and out of pain.)

Damn you. Damn you, damn you, damn you.

I love you more than you know.

I want so badly for the separation to make our love stronger,

for you to overcome your fear and be open.

So that when four years comes, I can look at you and say

“We've made it this far, I think it's really serious now; 

-tell me someday you'll marry me-”

But every now and then, I see how little you notice or seem to care when you do, 

about how much effort I put into 'us.'

Even when you get so angry feeling as if you are the only one that does.

And then I remember how often you disrespect me and what we have,

speaking of how bad things are, and how much you don't know why you are with me.

As if there are never perfect moments, when we are complete-

happily wrapped in each other's arms.

And as I try to rid all my anger, yelling into the silence around me,

as to not hold it in and let loose on you...

The wost knowledge washes over me-

the one and only reason you have ever mentioned wanting to remain anywhere near me-

was not me...

It was for a new found friendship; not the love we supposedly

share.

Oh, like heaven and hell mixed here on Earth,

I would follow you most anywhere, and hold a spot for you when you are away.

But if you do not begin to show me that you actually care,

beyond what you call “apologizing and fixing things,”

acting pitiful to the point of pain over the smallest things,

I might one day have the hurt enough to tell you-

“Go ahead, go home, leave. And do not call on me again,

until you are sure you actually have love in your heart,

and not just comfort in your limbs.

We both deserve more.”

Forgetting this For Now

You’ve been here with me, thick and thin

One person, one love, is all I ever want

Up till the point of death, and beyond

Right here is where I belong

Gone too soon

One whole year

I didn’t want to believe

Now though, it’s clear

Gone too soon

To much love to merely fester

One whole life time, still too short

Let me be upset, hurt, and angry

Even when I try to ignore myself

All I want is you forever

Very important though, to keep my strength

Enough to miss you, as I sit in wait