The

The time. The pain. The change. The lack of change. The season. The ache. The growth. The lack of growth. The stretch. The fight. The progress. The lack of progress. The spell. The throb. The movement. The lack of movement. The here. The now. Do you feel it? I do.

. . . Trust Me

Feelings I lease,
They're thick.
Thick enough, that I notice.
I'm not wanted in it.
I'm not in it.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Craziness I provide,
It's thick.
Thick enough, you all notice.
It might make you laugh.
It makes me laugh.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Comfort I offer,
It's thick.
Thick enough, everyone knows.
It lies in wait for the occasion.
It goes un-needed.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Promise .

That is how you will keep from doing things that you shouldn't- just remember that promise. And remember that he is not now, nor ever was able to "take it back," for he did not ask.

Y O U

I get to see YOU when you are sleepy, or when I am upset- I guess if I get to see that you when I am upset, then I do get to see You when I need to.... But where is that You when I want you

I love you when you do almost anything to make me laugh.
I love you when I want desperately to really make you giggle.
I love you when you smile just to see me smile.
I love you when your smile makes me want all of you more.
I love you when you can make conversation easy.
I love you when I can truly tell you anything.
I love you when you try to sing for me.
I love you when you make me want to sing.
I love you when you spin me around in dance.
I love you when I just want to be in your arms.
I love all of you, I really do.......
But where are YOU-
When it isn't that late,
When I'm not in those moods,
When we are out,
When we are alone,
I love all of you, I really do.......
But That isn't all of you.

Beauty

"Everyone talks about how inner beauty is what matters. But, what they don't tell you is that inner beauty is what really makes you look beautiful on the outside."

Just to be sure you know- your beauty shines through and through.

? ... ?

When I think of all the things I truly want out of life, none of it requires this school. Sometimes one begins to wonder if they really should stay on the path they are on. Instead of suffering through a major I don't like and risking not enjoying the career I am seeking (to be honest, it is one thing in my life I am not sincerely sure of), I could get a job at a bank or store back home. With that I could be with the man of my dreams. Become the mom I've always wanted to be. And once again become involved in church life and reach out to the youth I'd like to work with.


I just don't know what I should do-

Five Things

Five things:
Sam
Boots
Pillow
Platform 9 and 3/4
Band Aids

These Simple things I have in my room. Well, not all so simple. I would have to say that Sam is a complex being, the most complex in the room besides me of course.
Next to that would be the Platform 9 and 3/4. If only, if only- we could escape in to a world of magic; where's that wardrobe again? I look for it and most of what I see are pillows. Green, orange, black, red, many colors and all so cuddly. On the floor are my new boots; they show my rougher, tougher side. But back to the softer... Band-Aids galore. Mother Hen? I think so. .... If this wasn't the most jumbled bit of ramblings on this blog... now if only they would come into form. (btw, I am typing slightly in rhythm with the music currently on Pandora)

...............................................................................

The heart sitting upon my hand
It is fading with the passing of time
But still I can see it showing me
That there are friends out there for me
Hmph, one is sitting in my bed
Nose in her book, poking up now and then
To tell me about the interesting things
It's nice to know I have others to share time with
Not just within the arms of my pillows
If only I didn't feel the need
To hold all close together like a band-aid
It has to be annoying - the relator in me
How about we all take the train?
Accessed through platform 9 and 3/4
Escape to a magic land of peace
Where there is no need, no want
To stick my boot in others
Although we can not
At least it's still there
Showing me
There are friends out there for me


(Dedicated to those that break those who try for them.)

Four Letters (Wrote at SIO)

Those four letters...
In one little name...
You and only you...

To much a sick, ignorant man.
Only you could be so much worse that they.
No one so poetic should be so hopelessly foolish.
You and only you.

Those four letters...
I hate to hear...
Now go away .

Mine

Now don't tell anyone-
But they're all right.
You are one big goof,
With a personality to love.
And I'm sweet and sassy,
With a pull towards you.
So I guess-
If you'll be my Tiger,
Then I'll be your Ms. Kitty.
So just don't tell anyone-
Because they're all right.

Pledge

Do my best to breath.
Always try to remain calm.
This is what I pledge.



In. Out. In. Out. ~

Natural

This is my first post in a few days. I could probably ramble on and on about frustrating people and situations, about how I wish I could take batter classes or at least have a better teacher in one of them, but I won't. Instead of harping on all of this, at least for now, I plan to breath in and soak up all the good. All in all the last weekend was very good and healthily rewarding. Bless the beautiful man that made that possible. I guess all I really have to say is:

"To quote someone I have learned quite a bit from, I think you and I are 'a perfectly natural, normal thing'... Perfectly natural."

Enough Said

"I have what I want, and I want more of what I've got. I'm not being selfish... I'm simply in it for the long hall." - Cassandra L. Morris (2/17/10, 1:04am)

"Amygdala Hijack"

Today, in class, we watched a video lecture about Emotional Intelligence. After watching it all and filling out the accompanying worksheet, I have come to realize that it is quite possible that my often very immature acting boyfriend is more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am the one usually wishing to discuss our issues and reach a higher place in our relationship; often this leads to a "Amygdala Hijack" on my part. Mean while it is usually his instinct to wait for a calmer more appropriate time to talk; he'd rather fix things and make me feel better, than fight all night long.

It is honestly my new theory that we should work together on my ability to STOP and calm down, and his ability to listen instead of defend. Now all I need is to discuss this with him, that is assuming I can get him to think on it enough to receive input from him. Generally it takes a lot of frustration for him to completely focus and not simply switch to thinking about any old thing that pops into that head of his. Of course, if I can manage to keep a cool, calm, and rational state of mind, it might help too.

I guess now all I need is to find the appropriate time to bring it up.
Wish me luck.

Edited Words: The Only Way to Sooth

It has been a good few days since my last post, so here I am; though that is hardly the reason for my post now. I am a little lonely for a person that just spent 2 and a half days strait with her boyfriend. I am also a little frustrated with him. Which of course I do believe is natural when a girl is menstruating and is lonely at school.

Can I really help it if I am grumpy, lonely, don't have anything to say, but miss him and just want to sit on the phone to listen to him? Not even to listen to him talk, but just to hear him breath. Is it so bad? And why can't he understand it? It may sound weird, but surely it is little sweet in a way. Seriously, I want to listen to the everyday sounds of my boyfriend, even though I am grumpy and and moody; if that doesn't say love, then what does?

And now I just wish he could see this... I wonder if it would help him understand why I continue to bug him though I have nothing to say to him. *shrug* I guess at least it's off my chest, right?

Words

They are here,
they are gone,
they are empty,
they are full,
they are large,
they are small,
they are closed,
they are open,
they are warm,
they are cold,
they are soft,
they are hard,
they are kind,
they are cruel,
they are sweet,
they are bitter,
they are tight,
they are loose,
they are strong,
they are weak,
they are heard,
they are lost,
they are here,
they are gone.

And when no one knows what to say.... it is like they simply disappear.

Nothing left to say-

So much feeling; so few words. Have I really said all I needed to say? Did you really manage to help me even though I thought you couldn't? Was it really such a thing that it could have drained me so? .... All I do know, I guess, is that I wish today wasn't today and tomorrow wasn't tomorrow, then we would still be side by side, finding our way.

Strength

So, I took an assessment last night for class. The class is a Leadership class; it's really cool too. The following are my top five strengths, found by StrengthFinder.
-Empathy
-Developer
-Strategic
-Futuristic
-Relator

That last one, the Relator, really puts some things in perspective for me. Right off the bat I can see that it isn't just a strength, it can also be a weakness. If you are trying too hard to relate to the wrong people; trying to include them and make sure they get to participate, it could all come back and bite you in the ass.

I've been there and I've done that. But now, I do what I can to make sure that those I am friends with, are actually friends with me. Going down that road is no fun at all. Last semester I constantly did everything in my power to get all of my friends together at least two or three times a month. I would struggle to find a time when most everyone could get together, find a place we could all afford to eat or hang out, and was sure to remind them multiple times of when we were doing things. At times things would end with everyone else enjoying the fun I planned and leaving me behind for whatever reason. And today, I am still friends with less than a handful of those people.

If you are reading this, and you realize that you might just be a relator as well, remember that it is a strength; it helps you to be closer to your friends and family; it might even help you in your current/future job or career. Learn to cherish those that want to be close to you, and remember that some people are only acting like your friend because you care about them. ... Do yourself a favor, and remember 'you' first.

Dew and Trash

*sigh*

Pepsi guy, I'm going to need you to remember to close the machine all the way before you lock it. I do dearly hope you are given a second chance (assuming you haven't already used it up) and can remember from now on. But there is no reason a group of WKU's HRL Student Staff workers should be loading four mail crates and three file cabinet drawers full of Mountain Dew so that it isn't all stolen, at 12:45am.

*sigh*

Now, it was one thing to see that this building's lobby, which is used and passed through by several residents throughout the day, was cluttered with personal trash. But then to enter my own floor and see trash spread across the community room, and way too much trash in the kitchen (mind you all of it was emptied around 9:00am) really grates the nerves. So students, residents, people who live and enjoy being in this community, I'm going to need you to respect yourselves, your neighbors, our lovely BSA, and clean up your own darn mess.

On my Pillow

That fine edge
between sleep and awake
That's were I'd like to be.

That stage keeping me
from realizing that you
aren't here.

So comfortable
on my pillow
It's like sunshine
thru, and thru.

The realities
of the day
kept so far away.

Mmm

That fine edge
between sleep and awake
That's were I'd like to be.

Babbling

So, am I not allowed to use anything other than my goggle for this account? If you need me to use google then please let me change my email, really, I don't mind... you simply need to make it so that I am able to. I am tired of signing into here and then having to sign back into igoogle, so please.

. . . . .

Right now I am wondering if it would be good for me to make sure I post at least once a day when I am near a computer. It was just last month sometime when my boyfriend decided to ask me if I thought journal-ing would help me not be so... well, me sometimes.

Of course near that time I also told him that I used to write. A lot. But for the past, I don't know... 6 months or more, I just haven't really. I think I've written maybe three small poems this entire period. Do others get to see them? No. I remember what it is like to write like I do and show others. Usually they feel that maybe I need to talk. But no, if I have written it all down, and the work seems conclusive, then obviously at that point in time I don't need to talk. {It is after all a form of expression.}

. . . . .

I am about to use this as my "website" when other places ask for one. So feel free to keep reading if you have gotten this far... I may post a bunch of b.s., a ranting, or small works. But if you can't handle it, then please exit out of this page right now. ... Mind you, I am not discouraging from comments, I welcome them. Just bare in mind that sometimes a poem is simply a poem.