Shame

If they return

It will be because of this

Not her impending death

Not her pain at his loss

Not due to the stress

Of COVID19

It would be because of this 

The pain in my chest

Rumbling in my core

Disappointment in self

And shame of my own doing

What I do wrong

What I did wrong

What I continue to do wrong

All I can offer is my apology 

But I have not

I cannot

Seem to get the words out

Barely even look you in the eye

It's pathetic

Particularly compared

To the level of my maturity 

I am sorry, though

For the upset this caused

For my inability

To handle this situation

With proper grace and dignity 

Anger pt. 2

So why am I

Hung up on it

Living in it

Feeling it throughout

In my brain

Veins and bones 

Moved in and unpacked

Like an unwanted visitor

Overstating the welcome

It's not that complicated 

Breath in - breath out

Find a release

It won't let go

Music won't cast it away

Laughter won't let it out

Pounding on my chest

Beating on my head

Anything I can reach

With my clenching fists

Yet nothing will release

This monster inside

Lingering, feeding 

Never trying a exit

Lost in its own quarantine 

Fighting to survive

Anger is a secondary emotion 

So why am I

Hung up on it 

Anger

Anger

Is a secondary emotion

Sorrow

Greif

Regret

Shame

Anger 

Is a secondary emotion 

So why am I

Hung up on it

Wish for You

I just want you to know

It was never you

Never a single thing you did

Things just happened

And things were perceived 

Even if incorrectly

As beginning to be too much 

For how it was handled

That's all on me

In this position 

The responsibility is mine

It hurts me, but Hun

I hope it doesn't hurt you

When you slam things

Walk faster than normal

Push yourself harder

I see, I worry

Is it me? Feels likely

But there is a chance it is not

I've lost the ability to ask

I can hear you laugh now

It's a pleasant sound

I wish for you

The opportunity to laugh more

The ability to get away

The time and patience to grow

Lessons to learn and love

Mostly I wish for you- love

Love and care that is true

From friends and more

Incapable

This heart is breaking from my own incapabilities

Doubt and insecurity buried deep

Hidden from those who might see

There is what it wants

Then there is what it needs

So many things I cannot provide

It is a regular occurrence, the battle inside

Wars waged in these veins

And shots taken to the gut

A soul grown to stand and fight

A brain primed to run, turn on a dime

Nurture versus nature

With no balance in between

This heart is breaking from my own incapabilities

Doubt and insecurity buried deep

Here we go, I can tell

It is creeping up again

This lost, lonely feeling 

Like I've been constantly searching

For a steady place to stand

A place not only to rest my head

But also my troubled heart

Have I found it?

I might have found it

But did anyone bother to tell

The muscle throbbing in my skull

She'd Rather be Alone

Cute face

Four paws

Large heart

Tiny life

How quickly time passes

When you expect so much more

How quickly things change

When you have one constant 

One day

Sweet life

Another

Sad death

You'll be gone soon

The likelihood is severe

You might survive

The chances are beyond slight

Broken heart

Lonely soul

Abounding pain

Continued life

Haulted

Growing

We should always be growing

Learning

Developing

All the years within our lives

No longer am I

That train stopped in it's tracks

Must have, with how I feel

Rolled backward

As trains are want to do

Possibly too far

Will it restart

Find momentum to push forward

Or linger in time

Like a broken watch

Unfixable, discarded as trash

One situation

A jam

Like being sunk in five feet of mud

Another full of pain

As if the fault is all mine

Yet another in limbo

Not knowing what ever will change

Or when

How can I move on

Push through to the next step

When my shoes are glued down

The weight of my past

The pressure of my future

The uncertainty of my present 

Compounding like a vice grip

Threatening my life

The contusions are deep

Dark, rich, sharp

Imaginary

From the punching bag I turn myself into

From the fighting within my skull

And the existential torture

Merely from living

In this first world life

Heartbreaking Potential

This is a letter to you, potential friend

Potential friend of a friendship that will likely never be

What will eventually seem like a moment in time

Currently sticks out as much more than a memory

It burns in my chest and rings in my head

The connection was real

And it was something I wanted to feel

I began to use it as a positive to leaving my circumstance

Looking forward to another confidant 

A fellow nerd to be one more comrade

It seemed like your feelings grew steadily 

Leading to fear of an explosion ahead 

It got complicated and confusing and hard to explain 

Not much more can compound such confusion

Than the need for professional boundaries 

There are so many things I'd like to say

So many things I wish I could unfold for you and I

So much concern for the friend I could have had

If only I would say hello

Or reach out with a "how are you"

But such worry is wafted from a distance 

For one thing you do not know about me 

The power of avoidance is a skill I bear 

Like a compulsion I cannot shake 

All it takes is one situation I don't understand or know how to fix

This is a letter to you, potential friend

Potential friend of a friendship that will likely never be

All the things I don't know how to say but feel deep inside 

... Feel enough to break my heart

Well-

So I understand a little better
Now
Words were spun in a new order
Seeing both sides is a bit easier
For both sides
Moving back now
To 'possibly'
To that slight crush
To those soft eyes
And warming smile
To that young laugh
And slight confidence
Would you like it too
I think you might
My mind circles that bubble
Seeing us, then us, then Us
I'm learning to fantasize
And my labido is taking root
It won't last, never does
I'll make use of it while it's here
At least for Us
But I can't help but wander
And begin to wonder
To 'possibly'
To those large hands
And flirty glances
To the dark hair
And long limbs
To that slight crush
Circling that bubble

Blase'

Do we not have the same views on communication in relationships?
I thought we did, pretty sure we have discussed it
So maybe it is our differing opinions on this one matter
Causing this slide away from agreeance on communication
To you it seems you don't give a flying fuck
And do not understand why I would give a flying fuck if I consent
What I don't comprehend is your ability to be so blase'
When you know how I feel, wouldn't it be wise to care if I acted
It's things like this that send me spiraling in doubt
Do you really care, love, feel for me that way
Anymore?
I understand your compassion does not equal empathy
And you don't know how to put on another's shoes
Unless it's fully bedded in literal form
But one would imagine that such a radical side step
Would warrant a pique in interest to at least some degree
I want to reach out, wish to understand
But I do not want to talk, to think
I'd almost rather stay tucked away in my little bubble
Of 'possibly'

'Possibly'

I had thoughts and fantasies 
I had dreams of what could be 
Only daydreams, little wonderings
But, I assure you
I was getting there 
Musing of the possibilities
All it took were a few simple words 
Words, just words 
In another order mean something completely different
But those words
In that order, from your mouth
Were enough. 
Enough to shatter the bubble of maybe inside of me
Your reality of possibility popped up in front of me 
It lightly poked, it barely prodded
At my bubble 
By bubble of 'possibly' 
Causing it to burst 
Flooding my emotional senses 
The weight of which threatens to drowned me
I could feel my own tears
Slowly sliding down the back of my throat
As I paused, I waited-
For you this is simple
So simple you can't begin to understand
Are you asleep?
I think you're asleep.
I can roll away, trying not to choke
Take a few beats
Lick on my inner wounds
I told you I would deal
Would manage
My own emotional consequences
Good- you're asleep
You don't have to get wet
Witnessing the out pouring of what just was 
'Possibly'

Holy Waters

Take me down to the river to pray
And I'll show you some holy waters
We'll turn our bodies into temples
Out on the eastern shore

We'll make love till the sun goes down
And we'll cuddle till the sun comes up
We'll roll in the sand and play on the bank
The food that we eat will be the freshest of fruit
And nectar from the bottle

Take me down to the river to pray
And I'll show you some holy waters

Clothing and Pins

It is said that some people
Wear their emotions
Pinned to their sleeve
I just wish the quality
Of one's trust could simply
Be seen with a glance
Maybe pinned to their forehead
Like a site rating by Google

When you wear your emotions
Like a second skin
Trying desperately to cover them
With material of sarcasm
Quick wit, and confidence
All you really want to know
Is if the person next to you
Will be kind enough to help you out
If your shirt begins to rip

Avoidance Couch

Move on over anger
Make room for depression
Yes, yes, I know
You like to puff up all big
And take up a lot of space
But you'll diminish in a moment
Depression likes to sit on you?
So you've told me; oh well
This is the avoidance couch
You sit, and I try to ignore you
Surely you know how this works
After all this time living here
Just chill out
And be quiet already!

Somehow Gone

(A few days old)

Look at them in front of us
They seem so familiar
Somehow, someway
Don't they remind you, Dear
Of how we used to be
How we used to be
But they are closer someway
Than we are now
Then how we are now

This song in my ear
It makes me think of you
Nostalgia fit to a beat
Like you're somehow far
Away, not in front of me
But I am headed to you now

Say you will, say you won't
Say you do, say you don't
Say something real to me
I swear, Dear, I'm in this
Honestly I am in this
With you for the long haul
Just tell me please
Tell yourself please
Are you

This song in my ear
It makes me think of you
Nostalgia fit to a beat
Like you're somehow far
Away, not in front of me
But I am headed to you now

You're far away somehow
Can't quite figure out how
But I am headed
Headed to you now

How Many

(It's rough, but this is what I've got.)
(Dogimo J. fits in here somewhere)

How many times

How how many times

How many many many times

I just want you in my light

I feel I could live with you

In my li-ight

So tell me now

Please prove it so

How many times have I

Walked across your mi-ind

Am I headed into to

The spotlight of your dreams

Or merely dancing 

In the wi-ings

How many times

How how many times

How many many many times

Sometimes when I see you

I know this really could be more
It's like you are naked
When I look into your ey-es
It must your soul I see
Lighting up behind
Those wonderful big
Brown iri-is-es

So tell me
Tell me now pleeeease

How many times

How how many times

How many many many times

I just want you in my light

I feel I could live with you

In my li-ight

Baby,
Please
come into my li-ight

How Long Can This Work?

When did this happen
How did I let it happen
I think I might be turning
Into a version of my mother
Maybe I care too much
Maybe I expect too much
I definitely give too much
In return, it's only so much
I'm not your butler
I'm not your maid
I'm not your mommy



Ya know what?
F this.
I don't even want to put effort into being bothered.

If I want something different, I'll just have to be different. That's that.

Kiss Kiss

I don't know now
How do I express this
I don't know now
Do I need to feel this
Can it all just wash away
And kiss these troubles goodbye

Good good goodbye

One second here, one second there
It is like my brain is running on over drive
But wait, what is this, did I fall asleep
Close my eyes, maybe I'll start to dream
Bolt awake and here I am again
Lost in my thoughts, a fog drifting through
A few words here, a few words there
Not a complete train, merely pieces of one whole
There goes the dining car, was I hungry
Two passengers and a single freight
Not a two are linked, simply rolling free
All different speeds, dancing in rings
How have we not toppled over over
Who's the conductor, am I in charge
I seem to have lost my place
Was that my turn, to another rail
Nobody knows, that's the truth of how it goes

I don't know now
How do I express this
I don't know now
Do I need to feel this
Can it all just wash away
And kiss these troubles goodbye

Good good goodbye

I don't know now
How do I control this
I don't know now
Do I need to be this
Can it all just wash away
And kiss these troubles goodbye

Good good goodbye
Good good goodbye

Kiss kiss

Inner Hysteria

What is going on here

I can not tell

So lost and confused

I have only felt this strongly 

Once before

Last time it went hand in hand 

With altering anger

Today it paired with sorrow

A deep heart break 

I had to push away

Or be crushed under the weight

I am so beyond bewildered

Is my emotional state justified

Or did I get too wrapped up 

In those first few words

This shit isn't black and white

I am gorging on comfort

Waves of aggravation coming forth

I usually have a better idea

Of how things really are

At least when they matter

Damn it, this matters to me

I know you understand inspiration for writing. So, I will try to not let my self awareness become self conscious.

Raincheck he says
like a refrain
A song biding it's time
before the verse comes crashing down
In a shit storm
of hot, fevered fury
All okay as it lies in wait
for the time the song decides to break
A mind of its own when in truth
it is nothing but a metaphor

Alright only on the surface
I say
The honesty of whatever
emotions sitting in hiding
Are deeper down trying to form
into a piece of recognizable tone
The pause of a refrain
barely sates the concern
Merely the caring
of someone who loves

But what on this Earth
do I really know of this thing
Have not been on this rotating planet I
for near the time of thee
Not in your head is this conscience
worrying inside of mine
All I know is what I feel
and I feel the aforementioned concern
Merely the loving
of someone who cares