When You Prepare

I didn't mean to feel this way.
I don't even really feel that way.
I guess, maybe, I do a little.
It's hard not to;
When you prepare.

I just kept saying to myself,
Really the only words that would form-
"It's what I was put on this Earth for,
There's no way I could end that."
Over, and over, and over again.
So should I feel this way?
Or that way?

I'm so confused.
Please just make it stop.
They keep coming back,
These feelings.
Oh, and here are the water works.
Why?
Why?

I just want to know, body,
Why do you mess with me like this?
I may be tough on the outside,
But you know I'm still that sensitive little kid on the inside.
I mean goodness,
It is whom you house.
Or did you forget?

No,
You didn't forget.
You thought it'd be funny.
Well guess what,
It wasn't.
Not in the least.
You dumb, fuck, son of a bitch.

I can't handle this.
Ask my friends I now call family.
Ask my mother.
Oh wait, that's right,
She doesn't know.
I couldn't even find the words to tell her
When I wanted to most.

Thank you.
Thank you body,
For being a total ass whole.
Go to hell;
I can't deal with you anymore.