Pretending Peace

I am on a different planet
I have been staying there most the day
Rather, I can't seem to locate the way to return
Focusing on reality
It's a chore
The kind one ignores until it smacks them in the face
So much I should/need to be doing
So little time left for the work
But yet here I sit
The computer set to the social
And episode after episode running on the TV
This abandonment of my current life
It disappoints me
Likely will disappoint another
This different planet excludes you
I need that now
Reality revolves around you
And I am in need of escape
From the current issues at hand
I may not be able to locate the way to return
But really I do not want to

Truth

I want to discuss this
But not to share with anyone
I am unsure how to proceed

You notice, but do not know
I am keeping things quiet
Until I know- things need to be clearer

How I feel
I don't think it has changed
But what I see of how you do-

My world has been shaken
For the aftershock, I lie anxiously in waiting
What will come to pass

Over the days
weeks
months

Will the ground become steady
Complete beneath my feet
Or will all I knew inside

Crumble in pieces, away
Left to be void of the life I've cherished
Of the love I've held so dear

I'd give anything to see the answer
A magic eight ball, triangle flat
With a truth to hold me

Or better yet to move on
Forget the fear of possible truth
And let it be your arms that abide

This aching in my heart
The incorrigible twisting of my gut
Mourning river in my soul

Carrying me through to summer light
Happier days ahead
I wish for them now

For love to be the soft breeze
And the blooming dandelions
Keeping company at our sides

But to carry me
I know of you to refuse
For 'happiness is of thy own making'

And what exactly would to say, my dear
If the happiness of my making included
You

A ring on your hand
A knowledge in their minds
And a house smelling of -- us

This is the future I crave
The one I have been leaning into
Though, my vision alone

I see that now
Even without your confirmation
For me you do not truly ache

Maybe one day in time
Your love for me will grow
But for now it is only -love

As it is you do not yearn
Your happiness is all on you
And inner knowledge is slow in following

I truly do wish and pray
The day you discover self honesty
You also find the strength to share

Truth

Marry Me Anyway

(Written out of anger, and out of pain.)

Damn you. Damn you, damn you, damn you.

I love you more than you know.

I want so badly for the separation to make our love stronger,

for you to overcome your fear and be open.

So that when four years comes, I can look at you and say

“We've made it this far, I think it's really serious now; 

-tell me someday you'll marry me-”

But every now and then, I see how little you notice or seem to care when you do, 

about how much effort I put into 'us.'

Even when you get so angry feeling as if you are the only one that does.

And then I remember how often you disrespect me and what we have,

speaking of how bad things are, and how much you don't know why you are with me.

As if there are never perfect moments, when we are complete-

happily wrapped in each other's arms.

And as I try to rid all my anger, yelling into the silence around me,

as to not hold it in and let loose on you...

The wost knowledge washes over me-

the one and only reason you have ever mentioned wanting to remain anywhere near me-

was not me...

It was for a new found friendship; not the love we supposedly

share.

Oh, like heaven and hell mixed here on Earth,

I would follow you most anywhere, and hold a spot for you when you are away.

But if you do not begin to show me that you actually care,

beyond what you call “apologizing and fixing things,”

acting pitiful to the point of pain over the smallest things,

I might one day have the hurt enough to tell you-

“Go ahead, go home, leave. And do not call on me again,

until you are sure you actually have love in your heart,

and not just comfort in your limbs.

We both deserve more.”