Let's Think Back

I want to walk out of the other side of this life
Comfortably holding palm to home, warm
Gently cradling pale skin, entangled fingers
Free to play with graying hair, move to
Slide it behind lightly freckled ears
Able to openly graze soft and red, patient
Moist, wet, glorious lips, sweetly against mine
Into your angelic eyes I will look, with a flicker
Flashing memory of all our life, love, time
Can you imagine that moment, of realization?
It might come over breakfast, while we watch grandkids
Or maybe at 5:13am when we randomly awake peacefully
And we find that: we – have – made – it
Thinking back to this thought from a time long passed
Of walking out the other side of this life
Comfortably holding palm to home, warm
Gently cradling pale skin, entangled fingers

Inside

I am just a scared little child
Afraid of what you really think
Afraid of what you really see
Afraid of who I really am
I don’t think you will fail
I don’t think you have completely lost your way
I don’t think you have entirely left him
I do think that I might fail
I do fear I again will completely lose my way
I do wonder if I even know him
I used to admire your certainty
I wanted to use it as a guide to find my own
I fear now that I have caused you to lose yours
Afraid that I am bringing you down
Afraid that I will slowly ruin your confidence
Afraid I cannot stop the inevitable
I don’t think you would let me bring you down
I don’t think I am the only harming your confidence
I don’t think I know the inevitable
I do know that you lift me up
I do know that you raise my confidence
I do know that I try; but merely I fail
I wonder am I getting closer to the goal
I’m I failing less each time/less often
I probably have false hope there
Either way- how am I to know
I cannot seem to see past my insecurity, fear, and irrationality to know

So this is what it feels like

Finding that you’re now wrong
That you’ve severely changed
And maybe you’re nearly gone
With the feeling of failure comes more failure
With the notions of hurt come more pain
I’m always losing, I worry I’ll lose you
I’m always screwing up, I worry I’ll screw up with you
Maybe this is why I have become a loser
I am grumpy with those who know me
Really with those who see me
Problem is you’re the only one that knows me
I think you know me
We both think you know me
I’m not sure I even know me
It wouldn’t be the first time

If you were there I would be more nervous
Only because there would be reason to be nervous
Seeing you would make it real
Make me more than a fly on the wall that no one sees
Make my voice more than a hum no one will remember
Make the words mean something to someone
The fact that you care, you want to be there
The fact that you give a damn, more than a damn
Brings me to float on air, you don’t even know
It scares me in a sense; who would ever bother to cause that
But I know that answer
You even help me feel you really don’t think it’s a bother
But here I am with my heart on my sleeve, ready to hide it away
I’ve been so worried about busting yours wide open
Not even seeing that I fear for my own

I cannot help how crazy I am; if I can I don’t know how
I’ve heard the things you say, it doesn’t release the fear
That you will see I am too crazy, too much work
I can’t even manage to treat you the way I want to treat you
When I want to treat you the best
We have gotten passed my nervousness that others
Would be what drives a wedge between us
We have gotten passed worry that we can’t keep it real
Even passed our concealment, which kept us in this room
And now only the worst of me is left to be discovered
Of all the things I believe you feel, because I feel similar towards you
Although I love your complexity, quirks, and the
Sometimes odd things you do, it is hard
Very hard to think you would ever be willing to put up with
My irrational insanity, let alone love me despite

Hypocrites

Hypocrites
Mother Fucking
Hypocrites

You are bathed in your own lies
Swimming in a tub of snake tongues
Scorpion spines and rattle bites
You are only exposed in the places needed for torture
The rest is smothered in a thick skin
Of false morals and harsh criticism
Eyes that are used to spy past purity and beauty
Noses for looking down and snuffing out
Ears to overhear for self-interpretation
Mouths of a shape similar to that of Devil's Snare

With words dripping full of underlying dissonance
A sound sailing passed clones of given praise
Swerving to smack the cheeks of "heathens"
And those you are hell-bent on "saving"
Despite the bullying damage of which you inflict
Pushing them away, yet each of you claim
You only want what is best for them and theirs
Almost as if to say, let us forget-
It is only Dear Daddy God's place in which to judge

Bible-thump upside the heads of those bobbling on the line
Of where they are and where they might be
Yes knock them down as they try their hardest
Because that is so what they need
Claim the name of Christ in your favor
Without ever thinking to ask
The easiest and most commonly life saving questions
"How are you?"
"Do you need to talk?"
"Where is it that you feel lost?"

Or sincerely and genuinely
Openly and honestly
Doing the timeless truly Christian thing
Being there no matter the difference in beliefs
Reminding the wavering and the non-believers
Of love and forgiveness
Kindness and trust
The basics of morals that several have forgotten
And way too many humans fallaciously declare

It is as if you purposely overlook and deny
The facts of what your actions and at times, lack of, cause
It has been said that to be a bystander, a witness
Idly standing by and doing not a thing
As others torment and antagonize those that are different
Is a much worse, more common, and harmful crime
Than to be the one causing all the pain
Tearing down goals and dreams of bright and intelligent
Hopeful prospects of which might help develop a better world

So there you lie
Swimming in a sea of brim stone
Floods and burning bush
You are only floating on the feelings of a higher status
Watching the rest sink in a play of your own delusion
Of false principles and harsh condemnation
Friends that are used to spy past transparency and magnificence
Religion for putting down and abandonment
Ideals built on shallow self-interpretation
Minds of a silhouette similar to that of classic cults

Hypocrites
Mother Fucking
Hypocrites

Forever Luck

How did I ever get so lucky
As to have you in my arms
May this luck never fade
Nor melt away in time
You bring me to flight
Forever with you
Forever in me
Now ever the same

O.K.

O.K. Today, you've done better. You have gotten your emotions mostly in check.
Please, for the love of all that is good, innocent, and holy in this world, keep them in check. You balled yesterday over nothing; not again. I know you're nauseous right now- and if you throw up that's fine. Just sit back and remember that there is reason to smile. There are things that brighten your life, you are a very lucky person to be where you are, and you can do what there is for you to do; your emotions need not get in the way of that.
Got it?
Good.

This Sea of You

Naw’ Baby, you're not pulling me down. I'm just trying to keep you afloat. I can do my best to get you to the water's edge, but only you can pull yourself out from beyond the deep. Always know though, that I will have a grip on your loveable hand, ready to support you if you begin to slip. I can shine light on different ways out, but your path is mapped only by your destiny. Your faith, heart, and mind alone hold its key. When the time comes, the legend’s cipher will be clear, and you will be able to lifeguard your own sea once more.

The Thing Is:

See the thing is:
Even the off days are some of the best days when they're with you.
The okay days are more than okay ever is when they're with you.
And the best of days are made a million times better when they're with you.
Days without you are some of the worst days because they're not with you.
Okay days spent alone are basically not okay when they're not with you.
And good days will never be more than that when they're not with you.

See the thing is:
I love you.
I am in love with you.
And I despise the moments I make you feel otherwise.
I want to be with you.
I love being near you.
And I can't stand the moments I make you feel otherwise.

Se the thing is:
You don't suck.
You are way better than that.
I wish I knew how to show you all you are in my eyes.
This could be worse.
This will get much better again.
I wish I knew how to show you all our possibilities in my eyes

Human

Maybe we're both simply human in this crazy world- and at times it is hard to be human together when neither of us want the troubles that come with human nature.

But Now

Finally, you helped me get to a point in time
Where I didn't dislike myself so much
Where I felt maybe I might deserve all of this
Where I didn't constantly think you could do better
And yes, that is "You" helped me
But now that's where you are
And what is it that I do
I am so stupidly selfish, that I freak out
When I don't have a clue of what to do for you
And I continue to freak out more
Each time every attempt falls through
If only I could keep in my mind: it is not my place
To fly off the handle and get so irritated
Simply because nothing is helping you
With that, all I do is make things worse
I'm sorry, No really, I'm sorry
I am irrational and pathetic at times
I am those things and more at the worst times
Sad to realize, that writing all this out
Is not helping my brain in the least
Figure out what I am supposed to do
Or how I am supposed to act
When your brain takes you to those places
As long as I am doing things confusedly
How can I even begin to do right for you

Carried Away

Sometimes you just want to scream
Get your emotions out across the wind
Let them flow from your window
Connecting with the Earth in every molecule
Let it dissipate as it resonates, carried away
Leaving your lungs room for easier breath
Breathing better now it’s gone from you

But how to scream when time is wrong
Or when no sound will come
From your overwhelmed, stumbling body
Is there away to reach such a release
One that does not jeopardize any one
Else's mind, emotions, or state of being
When all need is felt for a scratchy throat

(This may have more to it later, not sure.)

May Another Moment Come

I want badly to have simile and metaphor on hand
To tell the world the thought and vision held here
At the very forefront of all on my tingling brain
But even a word for word, detailed description
Could not do justice to these things that I feel

My privilege it was, to sit and watch her don
Her burgundy striped polo and loose blue jeans
Seeing her enjoy the new hair cut that frames her face
With it in her eyes, she sought a way to keep it back
My hat, I placed backwards upon her head

She paused for a moment to give a song a listen
Stopped there, her fingers playing my bed
Like the electric keyboard I've seen in pictures before
Enjoying the notes flowing through her ears
Her head gently bobbed to the rhythm of sound

She glanced in my direction with a quirky little grin
And in that moment I began to fall once again
More and more in love with her and her beautiful soul
Turned her around and kissed her as my breath left
There in that second only one thought came to mind

My heart was swelling and my love still growing
I wished with all that I had to hold on to
That another moment would come like this in a number of years
That I would be prepared and could drop to one knee
And ask her to be with me for the rest of our lives

I want badly to have simile and metaphor on hand
To tell her the thoughts and vision written here
Paving the forefront of all on my tingling brain
But even a word for word, detailed description
Could not do justice to these things that I feel

Seeking to See or Hear

Where is the answer to the question that I seek
If I were to go to the top of the highest mountain
Swim below in the deepest of waters
Would the clarity of mind come to give me truth
If clarity were to come to this trying soul
Would it bring any answers to this need
Is there someone/something out there in this world
That holds the key to this large wondering
Something beyond the prayers that have been sent
For which a response may at a time come
But not soon enough do I see or hear

Oh to be crystal and clear by what is felt
For the truth to be shown through and through
What is known and should be known by all
What is hidden at times and overly pushed at others
Life could be more full of love and likewise
Love could be more full of life
Did I only know how to show what is real
To the one person I wish knew it best
Then maybe more hurt would be spared
And eyes could look into and see what lies beneath
Hopeful this may be, but hopeful it will remain

This Two-Man Plane

I don't know where this will take us
Or how far we will go, but for now
I ask that you forgive me when I struggle
I do so because I feel so out of control
When it comes to the things that affect us most
I am not in control at all
Trust has to be placed to such a degree
In God and in you
It is a truly scary thing; yes I know
You do silicate my opinion, but
When it comes down to the final word
I have absolutely no say at all

What I do know is that I am not going anywhere
I am here by your side, in the wings of
This two-man plane in stable air
For as long as you will have me here
Nothing they say will take that away
None of our arguments will change this fact
I know at times, I let it all get in the way
But I am stupid to do so, and every time
I will find a way to cross that hurtle
And once again hold you tight in my arms
Right here, where we belong
For as far as we can possibly go

The Biggest Position We Shall Ever Fill

I can only imagine being able to be that person
Still together at that time, working by your side
In the biggest position we shall ever fill
The most important job we will ever know
If only our love could one day become so powerful
That it bursts into new life between us
A new being with its very own heart beat
Its own movement, soul, and forming thoughts
Being able to learn all we have to teach
About God, love, respect, and life
Ever growing and ever changing, with influence
From both our minds and both our hearts
And the love of all those who surround
Our cherished little family, where ever we go
First we can start with one of our own blood
Search for a match, I will dig and find
The most Irish red head this world has seen
Later we can consider adoption, here or over seas
No matter the age, we will love them the same
And they will love you the same; us the same
The order doesn't much order, nor do the numbers
Simply the love and care that goes into
This special and lovely career we will share
So here’s to hoping that I can be that person
That one day it will be more than an imagining
Still together at that time, working by your side
In the biggest position we shall ever fill

Great Little Wonder

Cuteness
That's all there is to say about that little wonder
When my lovely, red head, beauty is paired
With some of the sweetest little darlings
This bright eyed world has so far seen
(Which, aren't they all the most precious)
They sit, they play, they share, they talk
With the younger of the two dears
They are silly, and they laugh a brilliant laugh
The likes of which I hear few have seen
Hopefully one day I can bear witness
To this great wonder, part of which I cherish so

I Mean It

How?
I just want to know: how?
I've changed.
You've changed.
We have both changed.
What are you hanging on to?
Nothing real.
You realize this don't you?
If my stuff is making it worse,
Then get rid of it.
I do plan to retrieve it,
But I can't just yet.
I'm sorry.
But it is over.
Done. Gone.
I hope you can move on.
Preferably sooner rather than later.
For your sake, really;
I mean it.

What Do You Say?

I'm starting to see
That maybe you were right, My Dear
There may be no one in this world that you can trust
I hate this
I want to be able to fully say you can trust me
Most the time I completely feel that you can
But the signs are beginning to show truth
A few of those I felt I could share with most
Have proven reality isn't as it was seen
It comes back, it bites, and it bites hard
It's disgusting really, watching it all tumble
Down to a burning crisp
To them I may one day ask, "Is this the intent,
Behind all the shared words and skewed stories;
The ones you never seemed to quite get clear?"
Those with questions should ask for answers
Going straight to the original source
Who can tell a tail verbatim? I cannot, I assure you
Can we just end this all tonight
All this dag-on bull shit?
Look at that, you have brought me down
To swearing in verse, something I rarely do
I beg you please; you have already shoved it all aside
Recognize what you have done; Do Not apologize
Just let it go, wash those hands clean
I'll still be here if you wish to come forward
Past this mess, out the other side
More unsoiled than before we became so buried
It can leave us and cause stink no more
What do you say?