Happy Birthday, Middle Sis

Never really knew you
Wonder who you would have been
Wondering who you are
One of my biggest inspirations
And so few people see
Only eight years on this Earth
Only four of them with me
But oh so much, those years have shaped
Who I am and who I will be
With your legacy, memories held in hearts
You have taught me so very much
About life, love, and truly giving
I feel you watch over us
And with the help of your presence
I find the strength to live

Stones

I feel like puking on the screen
Hitting the keys in front of me
Until my fingers will move no longer
Throwing down words like stones
Until they make no sense
Running letters back to back
Pouring out any and all emotion
Willing and capable of bubbling to the surface

Let not any be choked back
And stifle none that scream
Breath within the beat
And speak in ALL CAPS
Find a tiny font for whispering
And move along the wind
Use onomatopoeia at random
And annoy thy eyes

I know not what to say
I sense not how to move
But forward I will travel
Trying to put it all down
Light bricks on my own color road
Before any small explosion booms
For the weight is thick and snug
More so than my occupied heart wishes

Let me break free, oh mind
Let the night end
May sleep remove all that is selfish
From inside this olive skin
My word bank is still full
And my fingers still move
But these stones now make little sense
And the road lies in rubble

My Dreams of You

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion

I wonder if as I think
Having another beat on me
Would be more gratifying
Than beating myself

But I can always find reason to continue
With the screaming and the cussing
The kicking and the punching
Though from myself I feel not much

Each insult I’ve already heard from these lips
And each name has echoed through
Each blow hurts less and less
Almost as if I search for the one that does

Oh, all the things that use of energy
Prevents these hands from doing
And phenomenally it keeps these lips
From even more spewings of tourettes

It’s as if there is a big ball of rage inside
Waiting for any decent moment to escape
It has waited for many of years
And never received a fulfilling attempt

With its own story it sits and grows
Remembering it acknowledgments clearly
For you with the chin dimple
And the full ability to never care

For you with your protective presence
And no offer of protection from your own damage
For you with the self imagined height of an angel
And the treasured ignorance of a baboon

And For you with a heart bigger than any black whole
And a silver tongue stronger than any god’s
Your ability to try until your emotions will no longer bend
Yet your way of making everyone else oh so small

I wonder if I could blame all of you
For the way I torture the one I love most
How I pull hate from those dark brown eyes
Turning yellow and orange into a deep, putrid black

But someone great in the right mindset would remind me
That only one’s self can be blamed for what they do
I hear the above statement to ring quite true
And it breaks my heart knowing I do

As I am the hardest for myself to forgive
I turn the other cheek when taking a blow to the heart
And I might walk a different bath after a stab in the back
But forgiveness does remain for all without this face

I lead to an unhealthy you
Plain and simple, no easier way to see it
I am far from anything useful to you
And there is no one you need but you

Now what is there for us to do
After one Amygdala hijack too many
With no medicine to sooth
And all the smiles have been smashed away

It so does appear, that when we are done
My dreams of you multiply in passion

Paper Airplane; Why Don't You Stay?

There's a paper airplane
Sailing across the land
Carrying all the pieces
Never to be whole again
And this Bubble-Bath will never sooth

Oh to be on that plane now
Getting away from this some how
Its pilot I will become
Flying straight toward your arms
Into your heart once more

I write to you
The ink moves
It doesn't satisfy

This incorrigible flame rises
Threatening to swallow me whole
I stepped into the fire
Look at me now
Singing to myself
Like these words really matter

Sit and watch the airplane
Catch a glimpse of streusel as it turns
And there she goes

If I ever see her again
Maybe I'll find the words to say
Actions always mattered more anyway
Find out how to let her go
Or the guts to ask her to stay

(Probably be happier anyway)

There's a paper airplane
Sailing across the land
Carrying all the pieces
Never to be whole again
And this Bubble-Bath will never
Never sooth

Oh Well, Right?

I told you this was how it was going to be
You convinced me otherwise
I knew I would be alone, sad, and hurt
While you played, laughed, and forgot
Anger when it's my turn to go
And my distraction ruins everything
But hypocrisy when it's yours
And I'm the annoying bad guy
Why do you even bother before you leave
Saying that you'll miss me
That I will hear from you often
Liar
But I guess it doesn't matter
Hence why I am merely writing to myself
And don't be mad if one day you read this
Because when you ignore me so
Don't even give me the only thing I want
Which is to know that you are okay
On the road or not
It really feels like it doesn't even matter

It'll Be the Last (may need edit)

One of these days
When she stops talking
It'll be the last I hear of her voice
One of these days
When she takes to walking away
It'll be the last I see her beautiful face
I don't know why or how
She puts up with me
The way that I am
Alway causing that blood to boil
And those feet to move like they do

She tells me she loves me
But I don't know how she can
I never feel I do enough to warrent
All the waves she rides with me
She tells me she loves me
But I don't know know why her heart bothers
With every little thing I put it through
I know that I truly do love her
More than I'll ever know how to show
And I never have quite gotten close
To even showing enough of what I should

Why is it you always do the walking away
And I'm always stuck doing the chasing
I know one of these days will be the last
And I will never see it coming

(And all the blame will be on me;
'Cause I'll be the one left wondering-)

Phones Away: Can You Hear Me Now?

Phones away
Can you hear me now?
Together let us take just a second to ponder-
What will the next generations see upon exiting the womb?
The doctor’s instructions listed on the BlackBerry in Mommy’s hands
As a baby’s Twitpic is more important than any introduction to its family
Each child to be babysat by the computer monitor by the age of three
And no single iPhone game, raising a garden, moves quickly enough
To sooth the impatient itch caused by a 45 second lack of distraction
Forget fear of swirlies at school; too busy bullying by way of statuses
“No phones in class, Dear; now read my fancy power point slide”
So, where is the need for group dialogue and exchanged,
When there is access to absent minded discussion boards online?
Life to be stored on various devices; mandated by events listed on Facebook
You can share with the world each subchapter in your agenda book
One hundred forty characters or less- don’t you dare forget
Control the “about me” that others see; my teacher taught me about imagery
Have every acquaintance for your friend and know everything that they do
As long as they remember to continually check in daily on FourSquare
Complement each other on photography skills by way of mobile uploads
Our conversations dwindled down to the briefest of shorthand
Coming so accustomed to replying only as you wish
(No one can truly know how busy you are when they’re not with you)
That in face to face conversation you forget how to participate
No need for quality time when there are so many waiting for your next text
Dropped communication classes will make a switch to keypad lessons
Learn it all in five minutes tops or lag back on a buffering screen
Tab over to something newer; got to keep up with the latest tech
Click here, pound sign there, now a member of the most recent trends
Sunshine, what is that?
Oh you mean that thing that powers the neighbor’s weird looking car
Baseball, the Great American Pastime, relocated to the couch we keep in the basement
No possibility of a twisted ankle, too busy with exercises for RSI
Thumb and Repetitive Stress Injuries could slow down the new 6g
Word Review, can you spell check this so far?
Here we are in the midst of technology getting smarter than we bother to be
Phones away
Can you hear me now?

An Answered Call

Did the weather answer my call?
Yesterday I saw yellow, orange, and blue.
Brought on in part by the day's hue.
Laughing, hand holding, smiles gallore.
Happiness and memmories of before.
I love days like those, Heaven, I want more.
BringIng the light back into that face I adore.
Sun on our backs and a breeze in our hair.
These days I feel that we make a good pair.
I love you, I do. Not just when the wind rings.
But also when shown what cold and snow bring.
I love you through and through,
Because still there, is always you.

Side by Side (in need of spell check)

I want to be out walking with my girl
Playing ball on the grass with my man
I want to place my arm around her shoulders
Intertwine my fingers with those hads of his
Show off my relationship with her
And be insanely flirtatious with him
I want to travel home to our bed
After a wonderful dinner together
Attack each other in our cotton sheets
No thought to societal veiw on who we should be
I want to love on you forever
Staying completely true to who we are
Changing continually together over time
Growing and learning side by side
More of who we are, together and apart
I want to be out walking with my girl
Playing ball on the grass with my man

Come Back to Us, Summer Breeze (Please) (may need edit)

I miss the nights we couldn't get enough of each other;
Those times we would nearly be sick due to sleepiness,
Before we would even consider parting our ways.
When the love used to radiate off of our skin;
So hot red that not a soul could miss the flame,
No matter how hard we tried to keep it under wrapps.
I miss the dozens of kisses and ever sweet I love yous,
Before sleep would over come our dreary eye lids.
I miss the hugs that never seemed possible to end,
That would feel like shattered earth when broken.
The butterflies that always fluttered inside here;
That look that always made me completely swoon.
Even when we were apart, your love so strong,
It could keep me warm at night no matter the chill.
When I could not contain my ever rising joy,
Brought out of every poor by the way you made me feel.
Those butterflies still come around in me.
And the earth still feels as though it shatters.
But the chill keeps me so cold these nights;
And the true sleep, seems it almost never comes.
My reality stares me straight in the eye;
But to the touch, is colder than the air we breath.
And aside that fluttering is a ball of nerves,
Waiting to see if the falling clouds in the sky
Are really crashing down around me.
Or if in time they will remember the soft feel
Of a summer breeze, blowing them to a fro'.

Never Going Away

This Sick Serpentine Psycho
The label of "bitch" branded to her forehead
I cannot trust her with a single thing
I go for something, try to make it better
There she is again, tearing it all down
She likes to have fun, play those "games"
Worst is when she takes her sweet time
Letting me slip closer and closer to something great
Then she waltzes in to take it all away
I may think I can hold her back, shew her out
At times I think it even works, saying goodbye
But no, this psycho waits for even the smallest crack
In the window of my ever slipping brain
Rearing her head like a Michael, who just will not die
Apart of me, inside of me, never going away

To Love is to Hurt

I don't expect much sleep tonight
Wondering if complete solitude
Is the best option for my life
Every piece of love I touch
Crumbles at my fingertips
Feeling as though I need others
Ears on which to share and bend
But no other can be told
Anything that means anything
No one can be trusted in life
Not even myself at all

To love is to hurt, -a lot
And to myself, pain I can bear
But to others, I dare not think
I should grab it and rip it away
Peal it off like an old bandaid
The sting, pinch, bite, will be
But once that passes, it's done
No more infliction caused
No more wounds deepened
No more heartach given
No more self blame for other's pain

"This could be the last mistake that I would ever wanna do"

"But I know what you want it to figure it out
And God knows I do too
What can I do? Say it's true
I'll never ask for anyone but you"

If Someone Does, Then We're Not Meant To Be

I will never fit into that place in your heart
Not completely, not entirely at all
You will never feel for me like that
Never feel like that for another being
Not in this romantic type of respect
There will always be others that mean more
They may never know the truth
But others involved will always see
This point in life, all is based around you
In some manner, shape, or form
Never in our lives will my heart be to you
What yours is when seen in my eyes
Rarely will the care given and shown
Be the same taken and received
But of course all of this is fine and well
Love will be handed to you on a golden platter
From any soul who sees as to who you are
Inside and out of your complicated shell

Into the Silence

Maybe if I were to walk into the silence
I could find the steadiness to deal
Allow myself the time to heal
Forgiveness has not been my friend
It has hidden from me to no end
Only in recent days have I realized
From myself I have been disguised
Hopefully once the concentration is found
To take myself inward bound
Concentrations will steadily come
To help me locate my approaching home
Into myself, I know I should look
But motivation needed, I’ve not seen my hook
Self understanding is far from a skill
Too soon I will have had my fill
Here shortly though I must travel
Down a long road formed of gravel
Or soon to see your lovely face
Will be full of an empty space

You Will Understand

I’m going to write you a song
I’m going to sing you a melody
I’m going to mold you a statue
Made out of solid gold
I’m going to speak to you
While your sleeping dreams wake
In these moments you will understand
Although the knowledge will not last
Just to the degree which my feelings heat
All the things you often question
Whether it be to me or in your soul
Every answer shall come to you
Never need I know if you’ve heard at all
For while your sleeping dreams awake
Those moments will quickly pass
I will sit up till dawn by your side
Sharing with you all of my light
The numerous things you should already hold
But alas if you do, I know not
For with all the time spent
In things of deepest emotion
Given to you at a distance
It is rarely shared if ever felt

Lucky I

My love for you pours from my fingertips
Beating in my heart with the memory of your voice
The thought of your face close to mine
Brings feelings of warmth and joy
A wish floats idly threw my head
The slow motion of an airplane above
Imagining your fingers laced with mine
May I feel your breath and taste your lips
Longing for your smell and soft touch
To hold you in my arms here tonight
Would be more than any gift ever given
Simply to have you near my heart
The Lord above shares such grace
The light which radiates from your eyes
Could do wonders for the human race
Were it a liquid form of power
Spilled over the masses to cure all evil
Oh! To be loved by you
It can carry a being through the day
Oh! To love you
Could carry and body through life
Oh! And lucky I
To be carried through and through

Just Some Things I've Tweeted; It's Like a Mini-Story

The floor is crumbling,
and I can't run enough supports under it
to give me the time to find a solution.
I'm going to need your help.

This floor, it falls.
It may be all in my head.
But down it goes,
and my moral along with it.

I got the help with those supports.
The floor does still have room on which to stand.
And the smell of the earth below
is beautiful.

Not the End

I've been told, by someone who means the world to me, that relationships mean learning grace.
I have more than enough grace to let go if I should.
The question is- do I have enough grace for myself, when it is all said and done?
Is my relationship with myself meaningless?
I would release any hold, for I have never claimed you as mine.
You are far from wrong in my eyes.
Hell, I am thankful that you realize.
I told you that we would if it were to happen.
Will it ever come back, do you think?
Or are we looking at a losing battle?
It’s alright. Yes.
It damn well will hurt, like HELL.
But if it’s not okay, it is not the end.

Into My Silence

I will fall asleep crying tonight
I am losing you and it is ever present
You are slipping away between my finger tips
And I wonder if I should let you go
I am going to lose my mind
I am praying that I might survive
It’s behind so much of what you say
I can feel it behind so much of what you do
It scares me, but I must face it head on
I am not going to trap you into this
I am not going to hold you down
And you have no need to watch the motions
As I drop so quickly down
Just go if that is what you want
You will be free of me, to do as you please
You have never needed my permission before
You definitely do not need it now
If you are going to walk out that door today
Just do it
No sense in worrying about me
I feel enough like excess baggage
Just let me scream into my own damn silence
Because the one person I want to hold me
Will be leaving with you

Some

That look is supposed to be mine
It’s supposed to be designated for me
To make me feel special and beautiful
But every single time you just give that look away
It makes it less special
And makes me increasingly less beautiful
In my heart, that look is always yours
There is no one else worthy of it
I can handle the attractions to others
But I already fear watching certain movies
For the anticipation of seeing that expression
Being so blatantly displayed
And now there is this
What you so loudly protested
And what has harmed you so in the past
Just tell me; just let me know if it’s true
Random strangers get that countenance
And my image decreases in value
I will manage; at least I think that I can
But not knowing, I feel, would be the worst
To find out later and be totally crushed
At least let me get used to it now

(Some reassurance may be needed sometimes, that you still even feel like that with me; that you aren’t ready to move on. Some.)

Just Kiss!

Feeling stressed, lost and barely able to breath lately? Struggling to find time for the one you love and not forget all you have to do in the process?

One small piece of advice:

Every once in a while, not too rarely and not too often, randomly, in a random place, pin your partner somewhere at least semi-private, and make out. Five minutes of a random make out session, allowing you both to really feel for one another and not have the pressure of being any more intimate, can really give a refreshing feeling not only to your relationship, but also to your individual self. Let your self get carried away for just a few minutes in the taste, smell, and feel of that someone special. You'll walk away with a smile on your face; that is as long as your timing isn't way off.

Love and be loved; it's a way to survive life a little happier.

And don't freak out about life too much anyway - after all, no one gets out alive. ; )

The Question

Ever since I was little, just past the stage of the “terrible two’s”
Any emotion beyond joy and pleasure were not to be shared
Any feelings felt in the realm of aggravation and anger
Remained inside unless totally alone behind closed doors
In silence I could scream, curse, whale, jump, fly off the handle
It was a way to stay sane, a way that kept on through the years
At first it was due to her, couldn’t stand any kind of emotional outburst
Then it became a method to keep things cool and calm
If nobody knows then what reason do they have to care
Now it is a habit set in motion, for nearly no one to see
There is a price to actually getting to know me
These things begin to be seen, heard, and felt
…
At this moment, I do not feel as though I should just give up
Although, I feel that is what I should be feeling
After all, in past times it was a normal wondering of mine
I view this as an improvement, even if not visible
I am finally letting it seep in what I hear from others when peace is in line
That I deserve more than I ever give myself credit for
So my question is not to be or not to be
And it is not to care or not to care
What truly remains is a question for you
The only one that sees me deep down inside
Do you want me to care or not to care
Do you want to continue in this path or out of it
Do you want to remain the one that helps inspire me
To become what I feel could be a much better version of myself
Or do you want to leave it alone, cut it off and let go
Before any fears or risks inside our minds are ever realized

Don't Do It

So, it turns out
I'm actually high strung
Deep down inside
Despite my outter self
Here's your warning now
Don't ever get that close

Truth

If it is supposed to happen
It will happen
I have faith in that
I might want it
I might worry over it on some level
But I am certain of my belief
Life happens, no matter what
Therefore I will not compromise now
For a future that might not exist

It Is Coming ( in need of edit)

Let's get away from me
Focus on something new
There will be a new beginning in here
The orgion of which is unknown
But still, it is coming
It is needed, and it is coming
A look into something else
Expanding on what is seen
Going beyond the surface
And finding a new concept for meaning
Let it come and be discovered
I will force it out with careful nudging
It is needed, and it is coming

Just One More Disruption

I'm depressed, alright?
I finally admitted it to myself
No matter how afraid I am to admit it to you
Good thing you don't get on here anymore
This would be a bad way for you to discover
That my mind has finaly traveled away
To those places that harbor pain and angery
To show me what is truly going on
I feel constantly, like your biggest distraction
Like the biggest pain on Earth for you
I don't even deserve to be here
But if that is the case, do I deserve to be at home
I can't even spell check what I am typing
Due to my own damn inability to function
Leave it to me, liking to write but unable to spell
You see, if I were to find these feelings
Sitting alone in a room with you
It would only lead to a total break down
Another way to disrupt your life

You are Human and It's Beautiful

How can someone not love you if they actually know you
You are complex and you are deep
You are stubborn and you are down to earth
You are sincere and you are private
You are brilliant and you are wise
You are sensitive and you are relatable
You are dependable and you are loyal
You are loved and you are intimidating
You are impressive and you are gorgeous
You are hard headed and you are a piece of art
You are motivated and you are passionate
You are caring and you are extremely forgiving
You are going places and you are going to make it somewhere
You are tolerant and you are someone others should learn from
You are human and you are you
Someone people need time to see
How can someone not love you if they actually know you

I am Human and It Sucks

How can someone love me if they don’t even know me
How can someone love me if they actually know me
I am simple and I am undercover complicated
I am stubborn and I am down to earth
I am thick and I am dense
I am quick to grasp and I am hard to read
I am over emotional and I am tough in nature
I am hidden and I am constantly on display
I am in love and I am often disliked
I am friendly and I am angry
I am quick tempered and I am crazy
I am unmotivated and I am not passionate
I am lazy and I am lost
I am going nowhere and I insist on being somewhere
I am in battle with myself and I am never going to win
I am human and I am me
Someone almost no one ever sees
How can someone love me if they don’t even know me
How can someone love me if they actually know me

What I Hear, What I see, Why am I me?

If I lose you tonight, I shall not be surprised
Maybe some what confused, but not at all surprised
I know I screw most everything up
The voices in my head completely agree
The past memories of words heard, from everyone
I have heard from those that I love the most
In moments that they claim to forget
That I am crazy and psychotic
That I am lazy and steal from friends
That I am a liar and won't amount to anything
From multiple people, multiple times
Granted I've also heard things of another sort
That I do not think enough of my self as a person
That I feel my problems are not even worth
Being the problems that maybe they are
For all I know I am completely insane
At least I feel I have a major tendency
To drive myself to that point, seriously
I manage to get on my own damn nerves
More than anyone ever says I get on theirs
It's like I've head-
"High strung people tend to drive low strung people nuts."

Water as Cold as Grief

Grief is like an ocean, bigger and deeper than all of us
Mean, cruel, as beautiful and dangerous as the devil
Its waves of pain come crashing in on every moment of weakness
Unexpectedly they creep into a roaring rumble inside the heart
No matter how used to the cold sting of the icy water
Someone may believe they have managed to become
No poor soul is ever prepared enough to remain standing
Through each magnificent blow of frothy heartache
They are to be knocked back and soaked through to the bone
Left to choke in a bottomless, freezing, chattering, all over chill
Seeking for a coat of warmth that only comes in seconds of denial
For even when one feels they have escaped the trident of sorrow
Sporadically the ice cold water wonders near, to be felt yet again
Ripping through placid eyes, the sound of another leaky faucet
Calling out for the right type of tool to fix the burning crack
To help heart and soul move on, dry and safe, back to land

Get Over It

Being there.
Would be more stressful.
Than staying here.
Could be.
Deal.

Speaking into Silence

Tears have formed in these hazel eyes
For what reason I have not a clue
Pain has again moved into this area
Most of these hours, thoughts run fine
Though for the past moments now
Things seem to have undergone a change
I would like to share this
I want to be open about such things
Speak
But within this quiet, empty space
My words go steadily unheard
And questions continually unanswered
Help is not available to alter
The situation in which I am in
Since writing seems to be leading
Directing my thoughts only here
To this one constant, remaining train
Moving across my sliding brain
Onto distraction, I will patiently go

Confession of the Friendless

This is a confession of the friendless
This is the ballad of the lonely
This is a plea to the life I lead
Please do not allow me to become bitter
Please do not let me rain on parades
Please help me not harbor hard feelings

I sit barely think of anything
Other than the only one my life holds
I sit and notice the whole world going by
Very few even seeing me here
I sit and wait for the one to return
As their live continues to move

Through all the trouble and pain
She moves, carrying herself onward
Finding times to enjoy and things to do
Spending time with remaining friends
Getting to know them better than before
From here I do my best to lend support

This is a confession of the friendless
This is the ballad of the lonely
This is a talk with the life I lead
I will go on this way for now
Until happenstance has this position changed
And I refuse to harbor hard feelings

Like a Riot

It contracts from the inside
My innards the specimen
Creating a simulation in my mind
Like a child, abused and broken
Finding the last of their spirit
Harnessing all that they can find
Placed into a last ditch effort
Pushing, pulling to break free
It comes all at once like a mob
The riot before the fall
Or the bang before the firework
Slowly my stomach crawls
Working its way up my esophagus
Soon to be tasted in my mouth
Not yet, it likes to take its time
I go to stand over its thrown
Ready to release its offering
But not yet does it come
Later maybe, more than likely
And this fever might as well remain
It likes to stay until all is settled
And every last crumb to be tossed
Escapes this cage of yellowing teeth

Red Veil

Slowly blood trickles down my already paling skin
Patiently it slips onto my eyelashes creeping along
Carefully and steadily it dips itself, drop by drop
Plops delightfully onto my cornea, trying to seep in
Although the barrier not be broken, still it blinds
As the donation is thinned by the beginning of tears
My vision turns from stark blindness to blurriness
Barely visible through a thin, wavering red veil
Like a snail it moves to creep down my round cheeks
An eternity turns over marking the time it takes
For the first rolling drop to reach the finish line
Taking an acrobatic dive off of the angle of my jaw
Aiming its self for my breasts, lying tentative below
My ripped blouse, shades of rosemary polished by white
On the floor crying, memories of what happened gone
infuriating fight to realize the gravity of my situation
Thoughts go fuzzy, time drifts away, leaving pictures
The last of things seen is a familiar image of a face
The hair, the shape, the name, all loved, now lost