Like a Vice Grip

I still feel a twinge of pain

In my gut when I see you

But a smile appears on my face

When I hear your voice

My position is like a vice grip

Barring my tongue 

From the words I want to say

Oh dear, if only 

If only

Where things different

I would have handled it better

I would have been stronger

Let determination take over

For it was a friendship I really wanted

Already Broke

I never put much stock

Into what little you had to give

In thirty one years

You've only disappointed

Me, personally, once

That last Christmas 

Was the straw

That broke this camel's back

If there is something

That you really want to know

Ask the other one 

The older one 

The one who didn't learn

Quite so early

What it was to adapt 

And be left behind

The one who remembers

Any good time

Before the age of 13

If it were in you to really care

Surely you would have

Reached out years before

Little Dicks

Fuck this place

And it's overload of testosterone 

Hate and pain

And inability to grow 

Fuck this place

And it's toxic masculinity 

Fear, ignorance

And white patriarchy 

Fuck this place

I want to live somewhere else

Ran by estrogen 

Broken out of the box

Forming Cavity

Thump

Th-thump

Thump

Th-thump 

Pounding

Beating

Aching

Thumping

The muscle in my chest

Tries to break free

Wishing to find it's own way

Without me

Behind

How are you supposed to 

function 

When you just want to 

fall

Fall screaming, kicking, 

fighting

Pull down your world

And tear it to 

pieces

Destroy something, 

anything

Even if it's your own 

face

Float away and leave it 

all

Put your past in your 

behind

As one might say

Shame

If they return

It will be because of this

Not her impending death

Not her pain at his loss

Not due to the stress

Of COVID19

It would be because of this 

The pain in my chest

Rumbling in my core

Disappointment in self

And shame of my own doing

What I do wrong

What I did wrong

What I continue to do wrong

All I can offer is my apology 

But I have not

I cannot

Seem to get the words out

Barely even look you in the eye

It's pathetic

Particularly compared

To the level of my maturity 

I am sorry, though

For the upset this caused

For my inability

To handle this situation

With proper grace and dignity 

Anger pt. 2

So why am I

Hung up on it

Living in it

Feeling it throughout

In my brain

Veins and bones 

Moved in and unpacked

Like an unwanted visitor

Overstating the welcome

It's not that complicated 

Breath in - breath out

Find a release

It won't let go

Music won't cast it away

Laughter won't let it out

Pounding on my chest

Beating on my head

Anything I can reach

With my clenching fists

Yet nothing will release

This monster inside

Lingering, feeding 

Never trying a exit

Lost in its own quarantine 

Fighting to survive

Anger is a secondary emotion 

So why am I

Hung up on it 

Anger

Anger

Is a secondary emotion

Sorrow

Greif

Regret

Shame

Anger 

Is a secondary emotion 

So why am I

Hung up on it

Wish for You

I just want you to know

It was never you

Never a single thing you did

Things just happened

And things were perceived 

Even if incorrectly

As beginning to be too much 

For how it was handled

That's all on me

In this position 

The responsibility is mine

It hurts me, but Hun

I hope it doesn't hurt you

When you slam things

Walk faster than normal

Push yourself harder

I see, I worry

Is it me? Feels likely

But there is a chance it is not

I've lost the ability to ask

I can hear you laugh now

It's a pleasant sound

I wish for you

The opportunity to laugh more

The ability to get away

The time and patience to grow

Lessons to learn and love

Mostly I wish for you- love

Love and care that is true

From friends and more

Incapable

This heart is breaking from my own incapabilities

Doubt and insecurity buried deep

Hidden from those who might see

There is what it wants

Then there is what it needs

So many things I cannot provide

It is a regular occurrence, the battle inside

Wars waged in these veins

And shots taken to the gut

A soul grown to stand and fight

A brain primed to run, turn on a dime

Nurture versus nature

With no balance in between

This heart is breaking from my own incapabilities

Doubt and insecurity buried deep

Here we go, I can tell

It is creeping up again

This lost, lonely feeling 

Like I've been constantly searching

For a steady place to stand

A place not only to rest my head

But also my troubled heart

Have I found it?

I might have found it

But did anyone bother to tell

The muscle throbbing in my skull

She'd Rather be Alone

Cute face

Four paws

Large heart

Tiny life

How quickly time passes

When you expect so much more

How quickly things change

When you have one constant 

One day

Sweet life

Another

Sad death

You'll be gone soon

The likelihood is severe

You might survive

The chances are beyond slight

Broken heart

Lonely soul

Abounding pain

Continued life

Heartbreaking Potential

This is a letter to you, potential friend

Potential friend of a friendship that will likely never be

What will eventually seem like a moment in time

Currently sticks out as much more than a memory

It burns in my chest and rings in my head

The connection was real

And it was something I wanted to feel

I began to use it as a positive to leaving my circumstance

Looking forward to another confidant 

A fellow nerd to be one more comrade

It seemed like your feelings grew steadily 

Leading to fear of an explosion ahead 

It got complicated and confusing and hard to explain 

Not much more can compound such confusion

Than the need for professional boundaries 

There are so many things I'd like to say

So many things I wish I could unfold for you and I

So much concern for the friend I could have had

If only I would say hello

Or reach out with a "how are you"

But such worry is wafted from a distance 

For one thing you do not know about me 

The power of avoidance is a skill I bear 

Like a compulsion I cannot shake 

All it takes is one situation I don't understand or know how to fix

This is a letter to you, potential friend

Potential friend of a friendship that will likely never be

All the things I don't know how to say but feel deep inside 

... Feel enough to break my heart

Well-

So I understand a little better
Now
Words were spun in a new order
Seeing both sides is a bit easier
For both sides
Moving back now
To 'possibly'
To that slight crush
To those soft eyes
And warming smile
To that young laugh
And slight confidence
Would you like it too
I think you might
My mind circles that bubble
Seeing us, then us, then Us
I'm learning to fantasize
And my labido is taking root
It won't last, never does
I'll make use of it while it's here
At least for Us
But I can't help but wander
And begin to wonder
To 'possibly'
To those large hands
And flirty glances
To the dark hair
And long limbs
To that slight crush
Circling that bubble

'Possibly'

I had thoughts and fantasies 
I had dreams of what could be 
Only daydreams, little wonderings
But, I assure you
I was getting there 
Musing of the possibilities
All it took were a few simple words 
Words, just words 
In another order mean something completely different
But those words
In that order, from your mouth
Were enough. 
Enough to shatter the bubble of maybe inside of me
Your reality of possibility popped up in front of me 
It lightly poked, it barely prodded
At my bubble 
By bubble of 'possibly' 
Causing it to burst 
Flooding my emotional senses 
The weight of which threatens to drowned me
I could feel my own tears
Slowly sliding down the back of my throat
As I paused, I waited-
For you this is simple
So simple you can't begin to understand
Are you asleep?
I think you're asleep.
I can roll away, trying not to choke
Take a few beats
Lick on my inner wounds
I told you I would deal
Would manage
My own emotional consequences
Good- you're asleep
You don't have to get wet
Witnessing the out pouring of what just was 
'Possibly'

Holy Waters

Take me down to the river to pray
And I'll show you some holy waters
We'll turn our bodies into temples
Out on the eastern shore

We'll make love till the sun goes down
And we'll cuddle till the sun comes up
We'll roll in the sand and play on the bank
The food that we eat will be the freshest of fruit
And nectar from the bottle

Take me down to the river to pray
And I'll show you some holy waters

Clothing and Pins

It is said that some people
Wear their emotions
Pinned to their sleeve
I just wish the quality
Of one's trust could simply
Be seen with a glance
Maybe pinned to their forehead
Like a site rating by Google

When you wear your emotions
Like a second skin
Trying desperately to cover them
With material of sarcasm
Quick wit, and confidence
All you really want to know
Is if the person next to you
Will be kind enough to help you out
If your shirt begins to rip

Somehow Gone

(A few days old)

Look at them in front of us
They seem so familiar
Somehow, someway
Don't they remind you, Dear
Of how we used to be
How we used to be
But they are closer someway
Than we are now
Then how we are now

This song in my ear
It makes me think of you
Nostalgia fit to a beat
Like you're somehow far
Away, not in front of me
But I am headed to you now

Say you will, say you won't
Say you do, say you don't
Say something real to me
I swear, Dear, I'm in this
Honestly I am in this
With you for the long haul
Just tell me please
Tell yourself please
Are you

This song in my ear
It makes me think of you
Nostalgia fit to a beat
Like you're somehow far
Away, not in front of me
But I am headed to you now

You're far away somehow
Can't quite figure out how
But I am headed
Headed to you now

Wishing to Be...

I miss it- being high
Off life, lust, and youth
Like when I was 21
And falling in love

Friends would finally hit bed
Right around two
But my sweet and I
Would sneak quietly out
Walking and talking for miles
Finding random places
To perch, laugh, dance,
And make out
Star gazing and being
Generally existential
Tip toing in
With the start of the sun
Only to start anew
Fresh at nine

As if no one knew
High and gleaming
With the confidence of
Life, lust, and youth

Eight Points

If I had a word, to send to you
Can you tell me what it would be
How many points is it worth
On the scrabble board
that is our life

Across the mountains
And over the seas
If my thoughts could travel
To anywhere I pleased
it might just be hello-o

It could be goodnight
How, fun, or serendipity
Just a smile or a wink
An expression in thought-
bubble, like a balloon

But really, in reality
I just want to let you know
I'm thinking of you
My friend over there
where it is, that you are

On the scrabble board
That is our li-ife
How many points do I get
When I simply say,
hello-

De-Pend-Ence-In

Dependent, codependence
Trying to be independent
Attempt for a healthier me
So there can be a better we
But I'm not the only 'me'

Are you trying
I think your trying
Can see you might be trying
But you don't see
Your dependence on the chain

I am trying
Can you see I'm trying
Breath, let things go
No reason to bring shit home
I want us, a healthier us

Dependent, codependence
Trying to be independent
Attempt for a healthier me
Is there a way to make it clear
With supportive still intact

I care, want to care
I give, want to give
To offer my support and love
With no expectation
For so much of the same

I'm not the only 'me'
In this we
Your problems are my problems
But your extra curriculars
Are not my chores

You're trying
I know you're trying
Attempting for a healthier you
So there can be a better we
But I still have to be me