Little Dicks

Fuck this place

And it's overload of testosterone 

Hate and pain

And inability to grow 

Fuck this place

And it's toxic masculinity 

Fear, ignorance

And white patriarchy 

Fuck this place

I want to live somewhere else

Ran by estrogen 

Broken out of the box

Blase'

Do we not have the same views on communication in relationships?
I thought we did, pretty sure we have discussed it
So maybe it is our differing opinions on this one matter
Causing this slide away from agreeance on communication
To you it seems you don't give a flying fuck
And do not understand why I would give a flying fuck if I consent
What I don't comprehend is your ability to be so blase'
When you know how I feel, wouldn't it be wise to care if I acted
It's things like this that send me spiraling in doubt
Do you really care, love, feel for me that way
Anymore?
I understand your compassion does not equal empathy
And you don't know how to put on another's shoes
Unless it's fully bedded in literal form
But one would imagine that such a radical side step
Would warrant a pique in interest to at least some degree
I want to reach out, wish to understand
But I do not want to talk, to think
I'd almost rather stay tucked away in my little bubble
Of 'possibly'

How Long Can This Work?

When did this happen
How did I let it happen
I think I might be turning
Into a version of my mother
Maybe I care too much
Maybe I expect too much
I definitely give too much
In return, it's only so much
I'm not your butler
I'm not your maid
I'm not your mommy



Ya know what?
F this.
I don't even want to put effort into being bothered.

If I want something different, I'll just have to be different. That's that.

Inner Hysteria

What is going on here

I can not tell

So lost and confused

I have only felt this strongly 

Once before

Last time it went hand in hand 

With altering anger

Today it paired with sorrow

A deep heart break 

I had to push away

Or be crushed under the weight

I am so beyond bewildered

Is my emotional state justified

Or did I get too wrapped up 

In those first few words

This shit isn't black and white

I am gorging on comfort

Waves of aggravation coming forth

I usually have a better idea

Of how things really are

At least when they matter

Damn it, this matters to me

Marry Me Anyway

(Written out of anger, and out of pain.)

Damn you. Damn you, damn you, damn you.

I love you more than you know.

I want so badly for the separation to make our love stronger,

for you to overcome your fear and be open.

So that when four years comes, I can look at you and say

“We've made it this far, I think it's really serious now; 

-tell me someday you'll marry me-”

But every now and then, I see how little you notice or seem to care when you do, 

about how much effort I put into 'us.'

Even when you get so angry feeling as if you are the only one that does.

And then I remember how often you disrespect me and what we have,

speaking of how bad things are, and how much you don't know why you are with me.

As if there are never perfect moments, when we are complete-

happily wrapped in each other's arms.

And as I try to rid all my anger, yelling into the silence around me,

as to not hold it in and let loose on you...

The wost knowledge washes over me-

the one and only reason you have ever mentioned wanting to remain anywhere near me-

was not me...

It was for a new found friendship; not the love we supposedly

share.

Oh, like heaven and hell mixed here on Earth,

I would follow you most anywhere, and hold a spot for you when you are away.

But if you do not begin to show me that you actually care,

beyond what you call “apologizing and fixing things,”

acting pitiful to the point of pain over the smallest things,

I might one day have the hurt enough to tell you-

“Go ahead, go home, leave. And do not call on me again,

until you are sure you actually have love in your heart,

and not just comfort in your limbs.

We both deserve more.”

Thoughts In Passing

Every time I got close to the casket
All I could manage to think
Was how those were mannequin hands,
Not his hands

And every time any one of you looked at me
And said how nice it was to see a better picture of him
Than those last few months; what a great job they did!
I looked around and saw him everywhere

For the Fear of May

I am scared
Scared of us
Afraid of May
Of where this is going
Of how it might end

You are the one person
The one I feel I should not bother
And the only one I wish to tell
To share with you
To lean on you

I have tried
Once or twice
A mention here
A mention there
Remember-

You can not handle
To think of it
Means thinking of so much
This is not the first
That you could not

You have this ability
One of which I am jealous
To block things out
Emotions of too much power
Keeping yourself safe

I know that to think of the one
Leads to thinking of all
The confusion and conflict
Possible pain and fears
I do understand

Sometimes I just lose
Lose myself to my emotion
It overwhelms
I try to hold it back
I feel I mostly do well

I have not your ability

I am sorry

Franklin; I Used to Like You

I despise the look on your faces
Staring up at me as if you still care
You're dead; you don't give a damn
Now, decades later all you are
Is over-priced green paper
I can tear you
Rip you to shreds
Burn you
And even if illegal
Toss you in a pile of trash

None the less I need you
I feed off of you
I work for you
I barely live because of you
Life is a bitter sweet symphony
All played for you

Well here I am
Another worthless
Poor American
Barely able to make dues
The half truths of others
Furthering the dent
The depth of the fear
And hole of disparity
Wondering what will come next
If we can survive

Now as I cry on your shoulders
Looking down
At the last remaining
Arrogant faces
I can only wish for more
As my hate eagerly grows

Oh Well, Right?

I told you this was how it was going to be
You convinced me otherwise
I knew I would be alone, sad, and hurt
While you played, laughed, and forgot
Anger when it's my turn to go
And my distraction ruins everything
But hypocrisy when it's yours
And I'm the annoying bad guy
Why do you even bother before you leave
Saying that you'll miss me
That I will hear from you often
Liar
But I guess it doesn't matter
Hence why I am merely writing to myself
And don't be mad if one day you read this
Because when you ignore me so
Don't even give me the only thing I want
Which is to know that you are okay
On the road or not
It really feels like it doesn't even matter

Truth

If it is supposed to happen
It will happen
I have faith in that
I might want it
I might worry over it on some level
But I am certain of my belief
Life happens, no matter what
Therefore I will not compromise now
For a future that might not exist

Just One More Disruption

I'm depressed, alright?
I finally admitted it to myself
No matter how afraid I am to admit it to you
Good thing you don't get on here anymore
This would be a bad way for you to discover
That my mind has finaly traveled away
To those places that harbor pain and angery
To show me what is truly going on
I feel constantly, like your biggest distraction
Like the biggest pain on Earth for you
I don't even deserve to be here
But if that is the case, do I deserve to be at home
I can't even spell check what I am typing
Due to my own damn inability to function
Leave it to me, liking to write but unable to spell
You see, if I were to find these feelings
Sitting alone in a room with you
It would only lead to a total break down
Another way to disrupt your life

Wonder what'll happen if you stumble across this...

I spent time trying to work my way into what was bothering you for weeks, months even, without you ever letting me in at all. Then I lose myself for a few weeks, and all of a sudden I am the worst friend in the world? Bull shit. You think I am rejecting you? You think that this is all on me!! You have to be kidding me. Every time I send you any amount of communication is just another time you don't respond. Just another time you ignore me. I remember a time when you would practically bite my head off any time I went more than 3minutes without responding to things you would say. I NEVER pulled that shit on you.

I once left the one I love when she needed me around just to try and reconnect with you. But none of it is good enough is it? None of it. I hope you get over yourself enough to read that damn letter, you want to know why!? Because then you might see that I don't blame you for anything that has happened. Then you might understand that I had gotten seriously sick at one point because of things I was dealing with in my own damn life. I don't feel I need to get down on bended knee and apologize for being 21 and majorly depressed, thinking of dropping out of school, and leaving everyone behind because I truly believed all of you were better off without me.

If that is truly your attitude, then you probably gave up a good ways back and just didn’t want it to seem like you were so quickly letting go. Have a happy life, hope you remember my name, as I will never, EVER forget yours. Best Friend.