Joke to Tell

This joke is not funny.
This joke is not a happy one.
This joke is not worth hearing.
This joke is not worth telling.
This joke is not worth making fun of.
This joke is not a joke.
This joke is not my life.
But wait....
This joke is my life.
This joke is mine.
This joke is sad.
This joke is confused.
This joke is stuck somehow.
This joke is feels like a broken record.
This joke is almost worth throwing away.

The Moment

The moment after I realized we were headed down a steep and lonesome slope
Should have been the minute you remembered how to try
Should have been the mark I wasn't the only one who cared
Should have been the point you cried too
Should have been the breath that brought everything back

But the moment after I realized we were headed down a dizzying and forsaken slope
Became the pause where we fell
Became the millisecond it all really did change
Became the space that left a whole in this
Became the instant we should have started saying goodbye

Shreds

The winds changed for a day
Or five
Now they have changed again
I can't imagine the chill
Left in you
Such a short time for the world
Such a long time in our hearts
All I can say is "I'm sorry"
For that jacket I wish I could give you
Is all in shreds

Wishing

Two wishes will go unfulfilled tonight.
But I am unsure of which disappoints me more.

Wish 1 (the one on the surface)
That things will slowly change.
That I can bring in out.
That I can show you.
Because right now I'm comfortable.
It doesn't need to last.
Or even be real.
But it would be fun,
And you must admit.
Continue to hold you.
To enjoy you.
But more.
That would be nice.

Wish 2 (the one deep down)
That you will remember.
Help me to remember.
Bring it out again.
I don't want to think of what has happened.
Or how I feel alone.
That I can't be there.
I'm not ready for those things.
Remind me how I feel.
Show me that it's real.
Hold me again.
But more.
That would be nice.

When You Prepare

I didn't mean to feel this way.
I don't even really feel that way.
I guess, maybe, I do a little.
It's hard not to;
When you prepare.

I just kept saying to myself,
Really the only words that would form-
"It's what I was put on this Earth for,
There's no way I could end that."
Over, and over, and over again.
So should I feel this way?
Or that way?

I'm so confused.
Please just make it stop.
They keep coming back,
These feelings.
Oh, and here are the water works.
Why?
Why?

I just want to know, body,
Why do you mess with me like this?
I may be tough on the outside,
But you know I'm still that sensitive little kid on the inside.
I mean goodness,
It is whom you house.
Or did you forget?

No,
You didn't forget.
You thought it'd be funny.
Well guess what,
It wasn't.
Not in the least.
You dumb, fuck, son of a bitch.

I can't handle this.
Ask my friends I now call family.
Ask my mother.
Oh wait, that's right,
She doesn't know.
I couldn't even find the words to tell her
When I wanted to most.

Thank you.
Thank you body,
For being a total ass whole.
Go to hell;
I can't deal with you anymore.

Cooties!

Oh, the cooties.
I have them,
You have them,
Why don't we share them?
You don't need a shot,
And neither do I,
They will not harm you.
Oh, the cooties.
This is a healthy state.
We can make more,
Cover ourselves in them,
And remember the good times.
Oh, the cooties.

The

The time. The pain. The change. The lack of change. The season. The ache. The growth. The lack of growth. The stretch. The fight. The progress. The lack of progress. The spell. The throb. The movement. The lack of movement. The here. The now. Do you feel it? I do.

. . . Trust Me

Feelings I lease,
They're thick.
Thick enough, that I notice.
I'm not wanted in it.
I'm not in it.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Craziness I provide,
It's thick.
Thick enough, you all notice.
It might make you laugh.
It makes me laugh.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Comfort I offer,
It's thick.
Thick enough, everyone knows.
It lies in wait for the occasion.
It goes un-needed.
I know better... trust me.
But it helps me ignore,
The things in my own head.

Promise .

That is how you will keep from doing things that you shouldn't- just remember that promise. And remember that he is not now, nor ever was able to "take it back," for he did not ask.

Y O U

I get to see YOU when you are sleepy, or when I am upset- I guess if I get to see that you when I am upset, then I do get to see You when I need to.... But where is that You when I want you

I love you when you do almost anything to make me laugh.
I love you when I want desperately to really make you giggle.
I love you when you smile just to see me smile.
I love you when your smile makes me want all of you more.
I love you when you can make conversation easy.
I love you when I can truly tell you anything.
I love you when you try to sing for me.
I love you when you make me want to sing.
I love you when you spin me around in dance.
I love you when I just want to be in your arms.
I love all of you, I really do.......
But where are YOU-
When it isn't that late,
When I'm not in those moods,
When we are out,
When we are alone,
I love all of you, I really do.......
But That isn't all of you.

Beauty

"Everyone talks about how inner beauty is what matters. But, what they don't tell you is that inner beauty is what really makes you look beautiful on the outside."

Just to be sure you know- your beauty shines through and through.

? ... ?

When I think of all the things I truly want out of life, none of it requires this school. Sometimes one begins to wonder if they really should stay on the path they are on. Instead of suffering through a major I don't like and risking not enjoying the career I am seeking (to be honest, it is one thing in my life I am not sincerely sure of), I could get a job at a bank or store back home. With that I could be with the man of my dreams. Become the mom I've always wanted to be. And once again become involved in church life and reach out to the youth I'd like to work with.


I just don't know what I should do-

Five Things

Five things:
Sam
Boots
Pillow
Platform 9 and 3/4
Band Aids

These Simple things I have in my room. Well, not all so simple. I would have to say that Sam is a complex being, the most complex in the room besides me of course.
Next to that would be the Platform 9 and 3/4. If only, if only- we could escape in to a world of magic; where's that wardrobe again? I look for it and most of what I see are pillows. Green, orange, black, red, many colors and all so cuddly. On the floor are my new boots; they show my rougher, tougher side. But back to the softer... Band-Aids galore. Mother Hen? I think so. .... If this wasn't the most jumbled bit of ramblings on this blog... now if only they would come into form. (btw, I am typing slightly in rhythm with the music currently on Pandora)

...............................................................................

The heart sitting upon my hand
It is fading with the passing of time
But still I can see it showing me
That there are friends out there for me
Hmph, one is sitting in my bed
Nose in her book, poking up now and then
To tell me about the interesting things
It's nice to know I have others to share time with
Not just within the arms of my pillows
If only I didn't feel the need
To hold all close together like a band-aid
It has to be annoying - the relator in me
How about we all take the train?
Accessed through platform 9 and 3/4
Escape to a magic land of peace
Where there is no need, no want
To stick my boot in others
Although we can not
At least it's still there
Showing me
There are friends out there for me


(Dedicated to those that break those who try for them.)

Four Letters (Wrote at SIO)

Those four letters...
In one little name...
You and only you...

To much a sick, ignorant man.
Only you could be so much worse that they.
No one so poetic should be so hopelessly foolish.
You and only you.

Those four letters...
I hate to hear...
Now go away .

Mine

Now don't tell anyone-
But they're all right.
You are one big goof,
With a personality to love.
And I'm sweet and sassy,
With a pull towards you.
So I guess-
If you'll be my Tiger,
Then I'll be your Ms. Kitty.
So just don't tell anyone-
Because they're all right.

Pledge

Do my best to breath.
Always try to remain calm.
This is what I pledge.



In. Out. In. Out. ~

Natural

This is my first post in a few days. I could probably ramble on and on about frustrating people and situations, about how I wish I could take batter classes or at least have a better teacher in one of them, but I won't. Instead of harping on all of this, at least for now, I plan to breath in and soak up all the good. All in all the last weekend was very good and healthily rewarding. Bless the beautiful man that made that possible. I guess all I really have to say is:

"To quote someone I have learned quite a bit from, I think you and I are 'a perfectly natural, normal thing'... Perfectly natural."

Enough Said

"I have what I want, and I want more of what I've got. I'm not being selfish... I'm simply in it for the long hall." - Cassandra L. Morris (2/17/10, 1:04am)

"Amygdala Hijack"

Today, in class, we watched a video lecture about Emotional Intelligence. After watching it all and filling out the accompanying worksheet, I have come to realize that it is quite possible that my often very immature acting boyfriend is more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am the one usually wishing to discuss our issues and reach a higher place in our relationship; often this leads to a "Amygdala Hijack" on my part. Mean while it is usually his instinct to wait for a calmer more appropriate time to talk; he'd rather fix things and make me feel better, than fight all night long.

It is honestly my new theory that we should work together on my ability to STOP and calm down, and his ability to listen instead of defend. Now all I need is to discuss this with him, that is assuming I can get him to think on it enough to receive input from him. Generally it takes a lot of frustration for him to completely focus and not simply switch to thinking about any old thing that pops into that head of his. Of course, if I can manage to keep a cool, calm, and rational state of mind, it might help too.

I guess now all I need is to find the appropriate time to bring it up.
Wish me luck.

Edited Words: The Only Way to Sooth

It has been a good few days since my last post, so here I am; though that is hardly the reason for my post now. I am a little lonely for a person that just spent 2 and a half days strait with her boyfriend. I am also a little frustrated with him. Which of course I do believe is natural when a girl is menstruating and is lonely at school.

Can I really help it if I am grumpy, lonely, don't have anything to say, but miss him and just want to sit on the phone to listen to him? Not even to listen to him talk, but just to hear him breath. Is it so bad? And why can't he understand it? It may sound weird, but surely it is little sweet in a way. Seriously, I want to listen to the everyday sounds of my boyfriend, even though I am grumpy and and moody; if that doesn't say love, then what does?

And now I just wish he could see this... I wonder if it would help him understand why I continue to bug him though I have nothing to say to him. *shrug* I guess at least it's off my chest, right?