Water as Cold as Grief

Grief is like an ocean, bigger and deeper than all of us
Mean, cruel, as beautiful and dangerous as the devil
Its waves of pain come crashing in on every moment of weakness
Unexpectedly they creep into a roaring rumble inside the heart
No matter how used to the cold sting of the icy water
Someone may believe they have managed to become
No poor soul is ever prepared enough to remain standing
Through each magnificent blow of frothy heartache
They are to be knocked back and soaked through to the bone
Left to choke in a bottomless, freezing, chattering, all over chill
Seeking for a coat of warmth that only comes in seconds of denial
For even when one feels they have escaped the trident of sorrow
Sporadically the ice cold water wonders near, to be felt yet again
Ripping through placid eyes, the sound of another leaky faucet
Calling out for the right type of tool to fix the burning crack
To help heart and soul move on, dry and safe, back to land

Get Over It

Being there.
Would be more stressful.
Than staying here.
Could be.
Deal.

Speaking into Silence

Tears have formed in these hazel eyes
For what reason I have not a clue
Pain has again moved into this area
Most of these hours, thoughts run fine
Though for the past moments now
Things seem to have undergone a change
I would like to share this
I want to be open about such things
Speak
But within this quiet, empty space
My words go steadily unheard
And questions continually unanswered
Help is not available to alter
The situation in which I am in
Since writing seems to be leading
Directing my thoughts only here
To this one constant, remaining train
Moving across my sliding brain
Onto distraction, I will patiently go

Confession of the Friendless

This is a confession of the friendless
This is the ballad of the lonely
This is a plea to the life I lead
Please do not allow me to become bitter
Please do not let me rain on parades
Please help me not harbor hard feelings

I sit barely think of anything
Other than the only one my life holds
I sit and notice the whole world going by
Very few even seeing me here
I sit and wait for the one to return
As their live continues to move

Through all the trouble and pain
She moves, carrying herself onward
Finding times to enjoy and things to do
Spending time with remaining friends
Getting to know them better than before
From here I do my best to lend support

This is a confession of the friendless
This is the ballad of the lonely
This is a talk with the life I lead
I will go on this way for now
Until happenstance has this position changed
And I refuse to harbor hard feelings

Like a Riot

It contracts from the inside
My innards the specimen
Creating a simulation in my mind
Like a child, abused and broken
Finding the last of their spirit
Harnessing all that they can find
Placed into a last ditch effort
Pushing, pulling to break free
It comes all at once like a mob
The riot before the fall
Or the bang before the firework
Slowly my stomach crawls
Working its way up my esophagus
Soon to be tasted in my mouth
Not yet, it likes to take its time
I go to stand over its thrown
Ready to release its offering
But not yet does it come
Later maybe, more than likely
And this fever might as well remain
It likes to stay until all is settled
And every last crumb to be tossed
Escapes this cage of yellowing teeth

Red Veil

Slowly blood trickles down my already paling skin
Patiently it slips onto my eyelashes creeping along
Carefully and steadily it dips itself, drop by drop
Plops delightfully onto my cornea, trying to seep in
Although the barrier not be broken, still it blinds
As the donation is thinned by the beginning of tears
My vision turns from stark blindness to blurriness
Barely visible through a thin, wavering red veil
Like a snail it moves to creep down my round cheeks
An eternity turns over marking the time it takes
For the first rolling drop to reach the finish line
Taking an acrobatic dive off of the angle of my jaw
Aiming its self for my breasts, lying tentative below
My ripped blouse, shades of rosemary polished by white
On the floor crying, memories of what happened gone
infuriating fight to realize the gravity of my situation
Thoughts go fuzzy, time drifts away, leaving pictures
The last of things seen is a familiar image of a face
The hair, the shape, the name, all loved, now lost

Unmatched

As the color melts into the silence
It will be your light that shines the way
A crazy, winding path leading home
There is no place better than that
At which to end such a great journey
Best part of reaching the end of this story
Is knowing that truly it is only beginning
Another road in life, starting perfectly
Where two seem to end, only seem
In reality, the bigger picture seen above
They gather together, partnered to the end
Already off to the side, its sign is visible
A small circle, soon to swing around
Nestle at the base of where it belongs
The placement will be celebration
To commiserate a wonderful new start
A beginning heading toward an unmatched end

Who Knows-

Wondering if
You are going to swing by
And if you do
Will I ever know
It's so hard to be sure
Of what you see
Sometimes
I know these things
Most the time
I never do

Baby-

Robin,

I am so pathetic. This morning without you, I stayed in bed for hours, not wanting to get up and recognize the day. When I stubbornly did, ripe at 12:30pm, I groaned as I walked to use the restroom. (Did I mention that I woke at 9:19am?) It took me another half hour or more to decide to feed my stomach, which had told me of its hunger a few hours before. With lunch I got rid of that beverage we kept. It scared me, the affect it had. Made me really wish you were by my side.

The main plan for the day is to text you. That and enjoy the times you call and we actually talk on the phone. I like that we can talk on the phone. When did that happen anyway? It used to be so hard for us to do. The conversation helps a lot; you haven't been gone even 24 hours and I miss you like crazy. Of course I know that part of why I miss you this much already, is because you are so sick and I am not there to care for you like I like.

Goodness I hope that you get to feeling better soon. Here's to hoping that it is Strep. I don't think I could stand it being Mono. I know they would keep you there much longer than planned. I also know you would despise missing so much work; constantly praying that they would be understanding and keep you on staff. It would all be so sad, long, miserable, and lonely.

I don't know what I would do if you were gone that long. Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself, and I would. But that does not by any means mean that I would want to. I always prefer to take care of those I love the most than worry for myself. Without you here to care for, see every day, and love on, I know I will be lonely, bored... sad. Not to mention worried as hell about you. Let us also not forget that over the past several months, I have quite nearly become dependent on the warm love you give to me constantly throughout the day.

I love you. I really love you. And I am praying, please feel better soon. I want to make that drive up there in a week, throw you into my arms, and bring you home. One the way, I will even stop to get you a wonderful meal (if time and money will allow) and thoroughly enjoy watching you take every bite. … I love you, Dear. Take care of yourself and feel better.

-Al

His Hands Can Mend This

A fever brings another chill
My stomach turns another corner
Again, my bowls quake
Can you hear the low rumble?
My breath moves to a shallow rhythm
As the bile in my esophagus rises
There is a pressure in my head
It comes and goes with the passing
Of other sensations, such as this
The feeling I might soon puke
I shiver in my chair wishing
Pleading with life to take me
To a place different than this
To my bed, when you are there
To your arms, when you feel fine
To home, which we know is you
To where I am comfortable
To where I am safe and free
Even if I try to not show
The truth behind these ill lines
When in the presence of her
The one I'd rather care for
Even though I greatly appreciate
Being sweetly cared for by him
Those hands of soft strength
Wrapped tightly around me
Bringing peace and happiness
To warm my ailing belly

Coices, Choices

In order to truly write, one must be willing to drop all walls and become completely open and transparent with the world. -Or desperately cling to all sense of anonymity. Your choice.

What Matters

This is from about a week ago.

You’ll never know, will you
How that has affected me
How it still affects me today
You’ll never really know
I cannot be sure of the reason
If you’ll never fathom it
The possibility that it could
Never take the time to realize
How it has played out for me
Or simply never ask
The roles of which it has taken
But truly and honesty
The reason has no importance
Really, neither does if you even know
It has and it does
And I know
I let it move me, help mold
Something better out of this clay
And I know
That is what matters

What Baby Needs

This is about a month old.

What Baby needs
Baby gets

You don’t know
The insides of this
You have let it out of your reach
Without thinking ahead
You simply pushed
Your access door aside
As result, it locked
Leaving a brief window
Through which to look
That is, when you bother

What Baby needs
Baby gets

I quickly fell in
Before your eye site
Are you jealous
If so, what for
This started at a time
Which came before
You became unsure of
Things within you
Do you think no one sees
Do you think no one cares

What Baby needs
Baby gets

I will not sit idly by
Watching you place Baby
In a corner Baby does not belong
This goes almost equally
For literally and figuratively
If at times you realize
A loss come between us
Know it is likely because of this
And I will not apologize
You pushed the door aside

What Baby needs
Baby Gets

Wish You Were Here With Me Instead

I hate making you uncomfortable. I get so frustrated with myself when I do, especially if I would not have had I given the topic a little more thought. But I fear I am fixed here, even though I know it is bugging you in at least in a back of the head, trying to not let it get to you kind of way- or worse. The closer and closer I got to this place, while driving, the more and more I knew I would be stuck here for a bit. When I get this pressure in my head, this fever, and my stomach feels as though it is so high up my throat that I am about to taste it in my mouth, I just don’t feel as though I can drive. I am sorry. I will as I always do, understand if you open the door to the truck this afternoon, ready to crawl into bed and forget the world. I know that if you try to not let it bother you, it will sit and stew without a lick of your permission. I just wish I had a friend down here now, just one, that I could chill with and it not be any problem; one that I could openly talk to about anything with no awkwardness and no feeling of leaving another friend friendless because I choose to hang out with them. I wish be both had at least one of that type of person. . . . At least I have you. I love you. . . . I wish you were here-

Feeling Romantic

I want to be one of those old couples. You know, the ones that even when they drift off every now and then in to another dimension, still remember that there is someone out there that they are madly in love with, who is also madly in love with them. The type of love that will always pull them back to Earth and reground them into reality beside that special someone. That rare species of partners that pass simultaneously, wrapped up in a moment of warmth and pure joy over being by the other’s side. I want this; I want it for us. What do you say? Do you think we can make it?

Always Remember

I wish to crawl back under your blanket
Which lay draped across your soft, naked body
Wrap myself around you, sleeping sound
Gently touch your delicate skin and hold
You in my arms like it's Christmas morning
Slowly stroke your back, belly, and sides
With love, the kind of which you have produced
Radiating from the palms of these hands
Carefully express to you my love with silence
As quietly you awake beneath my beaming smile
There shall be an emotion shining from my eyes
The likes of which you should always feel
As you roll into my embrace with a sleepy
And very much adorable grin of your own
I will lay a wish upon your mess of red hair
May moments like these last us a life time
Fill many mornings; continuing to take
Our breath right from our chests, cages that
Hold our stuttering hearts, side by side
And always remember, Dear ~ I love you

Ok, let's get this out of the way; if what I write is not truly how I feel, I say so. Note that I haven't said so.

To study your body is to begin a gentle slide
Into restful, peace-bringing reflection
The ability to stroke your soft, pale skin
Caress every line and curve of your torso
Feel of each muscle lining the edge of your body
Memorize the outline of every feature you own
Takes the state of meditation deep into my core
Bringing my mind and heart together as one
Elated, slow to move, barely able to breathe
My body nearly hibernates in a time warp
The cause of which, every single millisecond
Becomes equal to that, the span of an hour
At moments, an hour is nowhere near
Long enough to describe to slow pace of which
God brings me in moments like these
So that I might truly come to appreciate
The whole, inside and out, of this gift
One of which I am among the luckiest
To have had this bestowed upon my heart
It is with the sincerest of joy I pray
Giving thanks to the wealth of which
Now curls around me; Love
Love is what I have to offer in return
With all the thanks my soul can muster
Love for her is what I try so hard to show
She has possession of all I hold inside myself
One can only hope she knows

Sisters of Mine

I could use you now
Fall to your shoulder
And let these dismal tears fall
I could say they’re for them
I could say they’re for you
But you, both of you
Would know; they are for her
Her and the fear that comes
When I think of those nights
What if at helping her, I fail
What if I’m what pushes her over
The rocky edge on which she stands

What if
I could ask a million times
It doesn’t really matter, I know
As the days grow closer
And the weeks grow longer
As time moves its weary head
And more news bares its face again
It seems there is only more to add
To this heaviness on the world
Pressing down on the shoulders
Of this creature grown between
The two of our entangled souls

To the point now that it is
Trapped like a lost marsupial
Wondering of what is home
The anger from one dear friend
Can lead to a sadness and an ache
That reaches through the core
And trembles the foundation
Which calmly balances face
Composure needed in such space
As the one in which I sit, here
At this very moment now
With my fingers on the keys

Now that this wave of feeling
And looping circle of thought
Begin to come to plummeting halt
Here I am again, yet again
What if
What – if –

Holidays

How does one say
All the things
That need to be said
In times like these
Times of turmoil
And times of loss
Times of pain
And times in which we remember
The faces of those we've lost
And places we've been
All landing right in between
A time full of thanks
For all that we have
And a time of celebration
For love, joy, and togetherness
There is a sorrow that comes
Annually, about this time
It becomes wrapped up
And very much confused
With all the happiness
Of this long Holiday season
So here's a prayer for
All that need an extra lift
Beyond the carols that play
Daily in the shopping mall
May the warmth of the spirit
Surround you through the cold
And may all of those near and dear
Remind you of every ounce
Of what you mean to them
For we all could use a hug
At this time of year

Thus Far

If it can be helped
You know I'll not leave
Hopefully a conversation
Will work well for us
Six months thus far
And further
I'd really like to go
Maybe tomorrow will bring
A better future than today
Maybe time will bring
A sweeter life than this
Six months thus far
And further
I'd really like to go